Stop Prioritizing Everyone Else
A compulsive need to please others is draining and potentially self-destructive. Follow these 7 steps to make sure your own needs move up the priority list.
Q: I am a people-pleaser who averts all conflict. I make sure my husband gets what he wants before he even has a chance to ask for it. How can I exit this destructive loop?
Living with a compulsive need to please others and avoid conflict can be emotionally exhausting. With ADHD in the mix, self-esteem and communication skills can also suffer.
To achieve a healthier balance in your relationships, follow these seven steps.
1. Identify Root Causes
People-pleasing behaviors often stem from fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or past experiences in which you felt emotional safety hinged on accommodating others.
Perhaps you felt you had to fulfill your parents’ demands, no matter how unhealthy, or risk harsh punishment and emotional upheaval. Maybe you experienced rejection from your parents, peers, and other adults whose standards felt impossible to reach. A therapist can help you explore and understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviors and develop solutions for overcoming them.
[Read: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Marriage]
2. Set Boundaries
Self-respect grows from setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing self-care. This doesn’t mean you care less about your family; it means you care enough about yourself to make sure your needs are being met. Start with minor requests, learn to say no, and express your desires.
3. Speak Up
Have an honest conversation with your husband and family. Express your desire to change, A supportive partner will understand and help you with this transition. Effective communication can also prevent misunderstandings.
4. Reframe Thoughts
Many compulsive people-pleasers harbor negative thoughts and self-criticism. Are your fears based on proven facts or speculation? Cognitive behavioral techniques can be particularly helpful in reframing negative thinking patterns.
5. Practice Assertiveness
Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. This can be challenging if you’re used to avoiding conflict, but there are many books, workshops, and therapies to help you build these skills. Participating in role-playing scenarios with a therapist or trusted friend can also help.
6. Embrace Self-Compassion
Be kind to yourself as you work through these changes. It’s normal to make mistakes and revert to old patterns occasionally. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge your progress and remind yourself that change take time.
7. Prioritize Mutual Respect
Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. When you and your husband contribute equally to the relationship, it creates a more satisfying partnership and reduces the pressure to constantly please.
Breaking free from the cycle of pleasing people and avoiding conflict is not easy, but with patience, self-awareness, and support, it’s possible.
Stop People-Pleasing & Choose Self Care: Next Steps
Stephanie Sarkis, PhD., is the author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse.
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