“After a long day, my mind is racing with thoughts, which means that I often cannot calm down enough to let intimacy get to me,” says Nathaly, an ADDitude reader in Germany with ADHD. “Then I feel guilty. I have a timer in my head that tells me how long it’s been since the last time we were intimate, which makes the pressure worse.”

Scores of readers shared similar stories of struggling to manage distractions, sensory overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, and anxiety, which often led to shame, guilt, or relationship challenges. Readers shared solutions, too, which frequently involved ADHD diagnosis and treatment as well as a concerted effort to improve communication, often with the help of couples therapy.

“We have started to slowly resolve this issue,” Nathaly explained. “When we want to be intimate, we make sure that I have time to calm down first, put on some relaxing music, or take a long shower. Then I am usually more relaxed and open to intimacy.”

Here, readers share the ways ADHD complicates their experience of sex and impart strategies that may help.

[Watch: ADHD and Sex – Building Focus and Attention for Intimacy]

The ADHD brain relies heavily on visual cues; when we can’t see something, it often ceases to exist. We leave items out on counters not from laziness, but as a necessary memory prompt. Our partners may see the piles and think that we expect them to clean up after us. This, in turn, can cause resentment and tension in the home.

In my current relationship, although I’m the one with ADHD, my sentimental non-ADHD partner struggles to let go of things (don’t get me started on what he’s saved). Clutter tolerance isn’t necessarily about ADHD. It’s about understanding each other’s needs and triggers.

[Read: Making Peace With Your Clutter]

4 Steps to Finding Compromise

1. Start with understanding.

I have OCD and cannot eat comfortably in my kitchen unless it is clean and decluttered. My partner needs to understand and respect this. Likewise, when he has clothing piled on his stationary bike, I can tolerate that. Pick your battles and clarify why they matter.

2. Explain the ADHD brain.

Help your partner understand that visible organization is a memory strategy, not laziness. If the ADHD brain can’t see something, it literally forgets that the thing exists. And who wants to buy multiples of everything? For your part, recognize that this may not just be an aesthetic preference; the clutter may create genuine anxiety for your partner. Understanding both sides transforms judgement into compassion.

3. Create designated spaces.

Establish “ADHD-friendly zones” where items can remain visible — a section of a counter, a specific shelf, or a rolling cart. Meanwhile, maintain “calm zones” that stay clear for the partner who needs visual peace.

[Read: Put a Stop to Household Clutter Once and for All]

4. Make it functional for both.

Use clear containers and label everything. A beautiful tray for daily essentials satisfies both accessibility and tidiness needs. Create systems that work with ADHD brains while maintaining visual order.

The solution is not to force the ADHD partner to hide everything or to make the clutter-sensitive partner accept chaos. Successful couples find compromise through understanding and communication.

Jami Shapiro is the founder of Silver Linings Transitions, a San Diego-based senior and specialty move management and home organization company. She is the host of the Grandma Has ADHD podcast.

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This quiz is designed for you and your partner to take together. You’ll take turns answering questions specific to your role.

Use this scale for both sections:

• Never = 0 points
• Rarely = 1 point
• Sometimes = 2 points
• Often = 3 points

Note: This quiz is not scientific. It is intended to help couples identify some of the key issues and ways in which ADHD might impact their relationship negatively and positively.

Melissa Orlov created this quiz. She is the founder of ADHDmarriage.com and the author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage.

Time's up

Can’t see the self-test questions above? Click here to open this test in a new window.

Healthy Relationships and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: Stop Walking On (or Throwing Down) Eggshells in Your Relationship
• Read: “My Partner Is Refusing an ADHD Evaluation”

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Do you check out when demands or tensions escalate?

Or do you tend to add fuel to the fire during conflict?

Each and every one of us plays a role in our family. The dances we intuitively fall into when stress hits are often inspired by a primal drive for self-preservation and (though it may not always seem like it) balance.

Our commitment to unspoken familial roles can keep us locked in negative cycles and strain relationships, explained Tamara Rosier, Ph.D., during her ADDitude webinar, “Family Dynamics and ADHD: Challenging Generational Patterns and Power Struggles.”

Here are three takeaways from Dr. Rosier’s webinar to help you understand your go-to family role and how to break dysfunctional patterns.

1. Families are Systems. Stress Causes Imbalance In the System.

Families are systems designed to restore balance, reduce threat, and protect connection. Stress of all kinds — be it coping with a family member’s illness or trying to get everyone out the door in time for school and work — causes imbalance in the system. ADHD and its associated challenges — from emotional dysregulation and RSD to executive dysfunction — can amplify the family stress that causes this imbalance.

2. ADHD Families Tend to Organize Around Four Roles.

• Overfunctioner: The one who takes over, fixes, manages, and anticipates
• Underfunctioner: The one who pulls back, avoids, freezes, or disengages
• Peacemaker: The one who smooths tension, mediates, minimizes, and absorbs
• Intensifier: The one who escalates emotion, raises the urgency or volume of a situation, and calls things out

We don’t all play the same role all the time. We may be the overfunctioner in one situation and the underfunctioner in another. When one role activates, so does another.

Where do ADDitude readers fall? According to a poll of about 700 live webinar participants…

• Overfunctioner: 48%
• Peacemaker: 26%
• Intensifier: 11%
• Underfunctioner: 10%
• Other: 5%

3. It’s Possible to Change Your Patterns.

Roles beget reactionary roles. If you hope for your child to assume responsibility and achieve independence, for example, you need to challenge your own Overfunctioner tendencies.

Change starts with understanding your default role. Ask yourself: What do you do under stress? What feels most familiar?

• Overfunctioner? Pause and ask yourself, “What part of this is actually mine to manage?” Try asking a clarifying question instead of offering a solution.
• Underfunctioner? Replace disappearing with one visible, low-effort action. Think: I can’t do everything, but I can do this one piece.
• Peacemaker? Recognize that your urge to calm situations comes from anxiety. The next time your family undergoes stress (say, an argument between members), name the tension in your head without attempting to resolve it.
• Intensifier? Your message is important, but it’s often not heard due to the volume and timing of your delivery. Your message may land better, for example, during a quieter moment.

Note: Shifting from your go-to role to healthier patterns will take work, but it’s worth it. Anticipate pushback along the way, as not all families respond well to change. Remember that while you can’t control your family, you can control how you respond to events.

Family Relationships and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: Activity Ideas for ADHD Families
• Read: Family Dynamics on ADHD — 5 Rules for Dealing with Relatives’ Judgment
• Read: Did You Grow Up with Emotionally Immature Parents?

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Highly dependent adult children get stuck in a cycle of emotional and financial reliance on their parents. Many of these adult children are unemployed, not pursuing higher education, and living with their parents despite no physical, neurological, or intellectual disabilities. When their parents attempt to enforce boundaries or require more from their adult children, the explosive, guilt-inducing, or panicked reactions may cause parents to retreat.

Many highly dependent adult children (a less stigmatizing term than failure to launch) meet the criteria for ADHD, anxiety, obsessive-compulsive disorder and/or agoraphobia, but often resist treatment. In this webinar, we will explore the following core symptoms shared by many highly dependent adult children:

• Low distress tolerance
• Poor insight
• Difficulty taking accountability
• Perfectionism that expresses as inaction
• Low self-esteem
• Reality avoidance
• Resentment
• Comfort-seeking
• Risk avoidance

 In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the reasons why adult children who should be living independently are not working or pursuing higher education, despite no physical, neurological, or intellectual disabilities
• How to identify the symptoms of ADHD, anxiety, OCD, and/or agoraphobia, which many of these adult children experience, but often resist treating
• How parents’ patience, generosity, and attention may actually be contributing to their child’s inability to launch into full adulthood
• About sample family plans for breaking maladaptive anxiety patterns, such as seeking reassurance with parents, relying excessively on parents for financial support, and coping with the fear of transitioning into adulthood
• About actionable strategies and innovative solutions for the dependency trap, where parent and adult child behaviors are mutually reinforcing and maladaptive

This webinar is designed for parents and therapists who are seeking to enhance their understanding of highly dependent adult children. Registrants will leave with concrete and innovative solutions for the dependency trap.

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on March 24, 2026, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Dependent Adult Children : Resources

• • • Free Download: Free ADHD-Friendly Budgeting Guide
    • Read: Grow Up Already! Why It Takes So Long to Mature
    • Read: 5 Critical Life Skills That Build Independence & Confidence
    • Read: “Mom and Dad, I’m Moving Back Home”
      
      

Meet the Expert Speaker

Natalia Aíza, LPC, is a therapist, parent trainer, writer, and entrepreneur dedicated to facilitating awareness and healing for individuals with OCD and amplifying OCD competency among mental health practitioners. She is the Founder of Kairos Wellness Collective, an innovative therapy center specializing in OCD and Anxiety Disorders. She is the author of Self-Guided Exposure and Response Prevention Therapy for OCD (Zeitgeist Publishers, a division of Penguin) (#CommissionsEarned)
and has a second book, Parenting Highly Dependent Adult Children, scheduled for Fall 2026 release with New Harbinger Publishers. Natalia holds a BA in Literature from Harvard University and an MA in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from Palo Alto University.
#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
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It’s not uncommon for parenting strategies and styles to diverge, with one parent prioritizing building independence, while the other leans toward empathy and support.

Tasks involving time management, prioritization, managing materials, and impulse control are tricky. Kids with ADHD benefit greatly from supports like timers, alarms, and visual schedules to keep them on track.

💡 Free Download! Your 13-Step Guide to Raising a Child with ADHD

These strategies aren’t signs of “babying.” They are evidence-based tools and approaches that help build good habits and self-regulation skills. Without them, our children would likely feel frustrated and anxious.

Overall, kids with ADHD do best when their parents understand and support their executive functioning struggles, set consistent rules, and provide a united front. Use these strategies to better align your parenting styles:

Learn about ADHD together.

ADHD is not a physical disability, and its “invisibility” can make it hard for some caregivers to understand. ADHD behaviors, such as impulsivity or hyperactivity, are not a choice; they are manifestations of a neurological disorder. Strengthen ADHD understanding by:

• Reading the same ADDitude ADHD parenting articles or eBooks, listening to podcasts or webinars together, or attending a parent workshop on ADHD.
• Going to parent-teacher conferences together so you both hear how ADHD has affected your child in the classroom.

💡 Essential Read: Your Child’s ADHD Is an Iceberg

Agree on expectations.

When you are raising a child with ADHD, certain tasks or boundaries (like completing homework, adhering to time limits on video games, or keeping a clean bedroom) will likely result in meltdowns or arguments at some point. Discuss your expectations with your partner and assess whether they are appropriate for your child’s developmental age (not chronological age). Come to an agreement that will work for both of you, and, if you can’t agree, seek help from a therapist or coach. Then communicate these expectations to your child.

It’s okay to have different views on caring for a neurodivergent child as long as both parents present a united front, focus on shared goals, and learn to compromise on approaches to create a healthy and positive home environment.

Liz Nissim, Ph.D., is a clinical and school psychologist specializing in parenting and executive function coaching for neurodivergent children and teens.

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Living with a compulsive need to please others and avoid conflict can be emotionally exhausting. With ADHD in the mix, self-esteem and communication skills can also suffer.

To achieve a healthier balance in your relationships, follow these seven steps.

1. Identify Root Causes

People-pleasing behaviors often stem from fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or past experiences in which you felt emotional safety hinged on accommodating others.

Perhaps you felt you had to fulfill your parents’ demands, no matter how unhealthy, or risk harsh punishment and emotional upheaval. Maybe you experienced rejection from your parents, peers, and other adults whose standards felt impossible to reach. A therapist can help you explore and understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviors and develop solutions for overcoming them.

[Read: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Marriage]

2. Set Boundaries

Self-respect grows from setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing self-care. This doesn’t mean you care less about your family; it means you care enough about yourself to make sure your needs are being met. Start with minor requests, learn to say no, and express your desires.

3. Speak Up

Have an honest conversation with your husband and family. Express your desire to change, A supportive partner will understand and help you with this transition. Effective communication can also prevent misunderstandings.

4. Reframe Thoughts

Many compulsive people-pleasers harbor negative thoughts and self-criticism. Are your fears based on proven facts or speculation? Cognitive behavioral techniques can be particularly helpful in reframing negative thinking patterns.

[Webinar Replay: Stop People Pleasing! Halting the Cycle of ADHD Self-Doubt, Perfectionism and Procrastination]

5. Practice Assertiveness

Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. This can be challenging if you’re used to avoiding conflict, but there are many books, workshops, and therapies to help you build these skills. Participating in role-playing scenarios with a therapist or trusted friend can also help.

6. Embrace Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself as you work through these changes. It’s normal to make mistakes and revert to old patterns occasionally. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge your progress and remind yourself that change take time.

7. Prioritize Mutual Respect

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. When you and your husband contribute equally to the relationship, it creates a more satisfying partnership and reduces the pressure to constantly please.

Breaking free from the cycle of pleasing people and avoiding conflict is not easy, but with patience, self-awareness, and support, it’s possible.

Stephanie Sarkis, PhD., is the author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Every family develops patterns — familiar relationship “dances” that emerge when stress runs high. In families touched by ADHD, these roles and relationship patterns tend to surface more quickly and with greater intensity. Emotions escalate rapidly. The same arguments happen repeatedly. One person steps in to handle everything while another pulls away. And everyone is left wondering, Why do we keep ending up here?

Tamara Rosier, Ph.D., will provide a clear and compassionate approach to help parents, partners, adult children, and caregivers understand the roles they play and the patterns that repeat — to break free from negative cycles and improve relationships.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How ADHD affects family systems and pushes us into familiar patterns
• What drives power struggles, and why certain patterns clash under stress
• How emotional sensitivity, working-memory gaps, and quick-reacting nervous systems contribute to ongoing conflict
• How ADHD families often fall into roles like the Overfunctioner, Underfunctioner, Peacemaker, and Intensifier—and how these can lead families into predictable cycles
• Practical tools to shift these patterns and redefine your role in the family

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Webinar Sponsor

Brain Balance helps kids, teens and adults with ADHD, learning differences, anxiety & more through our integrative cognitive development and brain wellness program. Our approach combines cognitive, physical and sensory training with nutritional guidance to strengthen and build brain connectivity without the use of medication. Stronger connections translate to improved attention, behaviors, and social-emotional well-being. brainbalancecenters.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

ADHD and Family Dynamics: Resources

• • • Free Download: Get a Grip on Tough Emotions
    • Read: Make It a Family Affair
    • Read: How Rewriting the Past Can Help You Overcome ADHD Shame
    • Read: Recognizing the Stressors That Paralyze ADHD Brains

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on February 26, 2026, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Tamara Rosier, Ph.D., is the author of You, Me, and Our ADHD Family: Practical Steps to Cultivate Healthy Relationships, and Your Brain’s Not Broken: Strategies for Navigating Your Emotions and Life with ADHD. (#CommissionsEarned) She has been a college administrator, a professor, a high school teacher, and a faculty developer. As founder of the ADHD Center of West Michigan, Dr. Rosier leads a team of professionals to provide resources for individuals and their families after they receive a diagnosis of ADHD. In her coaching, she helps her clients understand their thinking processes to develop more confidence, smoother communication, closer relationships, and increased academic or work success. She is a board-certified coach (BCC) and is the former president of national association, ADHD Coaches Organization (ACO). #CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Amazon Music | RadioPublic | Pocket Casts | iHeartRADIO | Audacy

He is my son, but he is also my reflection. The scattered thoughts, the lost shoes, the emotions that rise and fall without warning; I know them all. Parenting a child with ADHD while living with it myself feels like steering two race cars at once. Some days we glide forward. Some days we spin out.

I used to think my job was to calm him. The world rewards quiet children and those who can smoothly transition. He was born in motion. He notices everything — the flicker of lights, the hum of the refrigerator, the way a room changes when people get tense. He cannot filter life, and neither can I.

🏠 Read: I Had No Safe Place. Can I Build One for My Son?

When I was young, teachers told me I had potential — if I would only focus. That word, focus, has followed me ever since. I hear it now when I watch my son trying to finish homework or listen to directions that last too long. His eyes glaze over the same way mine used to. I know exactly where his mind goes when it drifts. Everywhere at once.

Living with ADHD is like carrying a thousand radio stations in your head and trying to tune in to one. Parenting a child on that same frequency means the noise never stops. Some days I am patient. Other days I am not. He melts down, and I feel myself melting, too. I tell him to breathe, forgetting I need to inhale, too.

But there is also an understanding between us that words cannot explain. When he cannot describe what he feels, I already know. When others call him impulsive, I see the effort behind his eyes. When he blurts out something too honest, I hear the truth in it. We do not hide emotion well. That might be our biggest flaw and our biggest gift.

There are days when we spiral together, both of us overstimulated and unsure how to stop. But there are also days when we find our rhythm. We walk the dog and talk about everything that crosses his mind. He asks questions faster than I can answer, but I try anyway. Those are the moments that bring peace. I stop trying to change him and start remembering what it felt like to be him.

❤️ Read: The Blessings (and Trials) of Parenting with ADHD

At night, when he finally falls asleep, I think about how hard he works just to make it through the day. People see a boy who cannot sit still. I see a boy who fights invisible battles from morning to night and still finds ways to laugh.

He has made me see my own mind differently. I used to think ADHD made me disorganized and too much. Now I see creativity and empathy in the same traits I once resented. He feels everything deeply, and so do I. Maybe we are not broken. Maybe we just move through the world differently.

Some days I worry about how others will treat him. Other days I believe he will change the world instead of trying to fit into it. His mind is bright and restless. His curiosity has no limits. His energy wears me out but also keeps me alive.

We are mirrors, he and I. His reflection shows me the parts of myself I used to hide and the parts I am finally learning to love. When I help him find calm, I find it too. When I remind him that being different is not wrong, I believe it a little more for both of us.

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Feelings of resentment are not unique to relationships touched by ADHD. Spend enough time and years together, and many couples grapple with feelings of resentment harbored by one or both partners. But ADHD traits — like forgetfulness, disorganization, or weak follow-through — can hasten these feelings and chip away at effective problem-solving and communication.

Perhaps this scenario seems familiar: Resentment builds in one partner as they take on a majority of household and childcare duties, like arranging medical appointments and after-school activities, and paying monthly bills, because they believe the other partner can’t be counted on to do or follow through with these actions. And that partner feels nagged, shamed, angry, and inadequate, perpetuating a pattern of negative communication and relationship dissatisfaction.

In some cases, budding or long-term resentment isn’t that clear-cut. In fact, feelings may be more complicated and deserve a deeper examination.

In this webinar, you will learn about:

• Some of the most common resentments held by couples touched by ADHD
• The surprising benefits of holding onto resentment, even as it hurts your relationship
• How to identify the underpinnings of your own resentment
• New ways to think about your own feelings of resentment and how to effectively address those feelings
• How to effectively communicate about resentment without triggering your partner
• When to seek professional help

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Resentment in Marriage and Relationships: Resources

• Free Download: Manage ADHD’s Impact on Your Relationship
• Read: The ADHD Effect on Sex and Self-Worth
• Read: A The One Ground Rule for Fighting Fair in an ADHD Marriage
• Read: Enhancing ADHD Intimacy: 3 Rules for a Lifetime of Great Sex
  

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on January 27, 2026, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Melissa Orlov is the founder of ADHDmarriage.com, and ADHD & Marriage Consulting.  She helps ADHD-affected couples re-balance their relationships and learn to thrive through her seminars, books, and consulting. She has written two books on the impact of ADHD in relationships, including The ADHD Effect on Marriage. (#CommissionsEarned)

Melissa teaches mental health professionals how to work with couples impacted by ADHD and leads a team of consultants who specialize in this field. She blogs for PsychologyToday.com and hosts a large community of adults learning about ADHD in relationships. You can find her at ADHDmarriage.com. #CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
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It begins in childhood and gains momentum through adulthood: the constant negativity and criticism from educators, parents, coaches, partners, colleagues, and others who fail to truly understand ADHD. Over time, that negativity turns into self-doubt, procrastination, and perfectionism — manifestations of a lifetime worth of feeling you’re not measuring up.

When we understand the impact of low self-esteem, and how it fuels procrastination, people-pleasing, and perfectionism, we can begin to counteract these behaviors with liberating solutions for a stronger, healthier self-image.

Join ADHD Productivity Coach Alan P. Brown, creator of the award-winning ADD Crusher™ ‘virtual coach’ video and audio program, for a candid presentation on how to overcome self-defeating behaviors.

In this webinar, you will:

• Understand the many reasons for why people with ADHD have low self-esteem, from our DNA to our childhood experiences to events in our adult life
• Learn why adults with ADHD are more likely than their neurotypical peers to struggle with the serious consequences of a poor self-image, including perfectionism, people-pleasing, and productivity
• Learn simple ways to begin chipping away at negative self-beliefs and strengthen self-image and confidence
• Learn how to let go of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and procrastination to get things done

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

ADHD and Self Esteem: Resources

• Free Download: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods
• Read: 25 Positive Affirmations That Uplift ADHD Brains
• Read: “What Happens When We Begin Logging Tiny Wins”
• Read: “Self-Sabotage and ADHD: Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
  
  

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on January 20, 2026, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Alan P. Brown, is an ADHD coach and author. He created the award-winning ADD Crusher™ video program for ADHD teens/adults. Undiagnosed for decades, his untreated ADHD manifested in underachievement, substance abuse, and worse. Once diagnosed, he found it difficult to learn coping strategies from books, so he researched his own evidence-based “brain hack” strategies to fuel a successful advertising career and two start-ups. A featured conference presenter internationally and a TEDx speaker, he’s the #1 best-selling author of Zen and the Art of Productivity. (#CommissionsEarned) Get his eBook, “5 Things We’re Doing Every Day that Make Our ADHD Worse” at www.ADDCrusher.com.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Webinar Sponsor

People pleasing can take over your life when you have ADHD. Self doubt, perfectionism, and procrastination all feed into the same exhausting cycle. Inflow understands how overwhelming this feels. Our science backed program, created by ADHD experts, teaches practical strategies to build confidence, set healthier boundaries, and break the patterns that keep you stuck. Take the free ADHD traits quiz to get started.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

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It’s not uncommon for adults with ADHD to worry about oversharing, being overbearing, or misreading social signals. If this is you, begin by asking, Am I giving too much? Think about how your friends respond to determine if you have a one-sided friendship

Signs of Friendship

• If you are always the one who invites them, do they show up to whatever you’ve planned?
• Do they seem to want to spend time with you, and it’s just that they’re not great planners?
• Do they say things like, “Ugh, I’m so bad at planning”?
• When you are with them, do your friends stay present in the conversation and show an interest in you?
• Do they share their feelings about things with you?
• If you drop hints that you need something, do they offer to give it to you?

These are signs that someone really wants to be your friend.

Download: The ADHD Guide to Making Friends

One-Sided Friendship Signs and Solutions

A red flag in a friendship is when there is no reciprocity. Here’s how I would proceed:

During a conversation, I might mention a few things that I want to do, such as go to the movies.

Then I’d see if they bite, or if they’re only interested in doing things on their terms. If that’s the case, I’d start thinking about whether it’s time to pull back from that relationship.

It’s also a good idea to branch out to a few new friendships. A good way to do this is to join new groups and go to activities that offer opportunities to meet different people. This way, if you have an emerging friendship, and it’s just not working out, you have other irons in the fire. You shouldn’t feel forced to put up with a friend’s lack of interest or responsiveness, and this way, you won’t.

Watch: “The Secret to Making Friends: A People Skills Guide for Adults with ADHD”

One-Sided Friendships: Next Steps

• Free Resource: Become a Small-Talk Superstar
• Read: Do You Need a Friendship ‘Do-Over’?
• Read: Bad Texter? Worse Caller? 6 Ways to Rekindle Cold Friendships

Caroline Maguire, P.ED., ACCG, PCC, is the author of Why Will No One Play with Me?(#CommissionsEarned)

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Emotionally Immature Parents: Article Contents

• Were My Parents Self-Absorbed?
• What Causes Emotionally Immaturity?
• The Fallout from Toxic Parenting
• The Road to Recovery
• Should You Cut Ties?
• How to End Toxic Patterns

Growing up, did you feel that your parents’ needs came before your own, or that you could never please them? Were they dismissive of your ADHD-related struggles because it was easier to believe your symptoms weren’t real than it was to seek help? Did your parents try to control you, discourage your independence, or make you feel that you had to care for them?

Emotionally immature parents exert a toxic force that can leave lingering scars. Their children often carry anxiety and low self-esteem into adulthood, leading to unhealthy relationships and destructive behavioral patterns. Not surprisingly, emotional immaturity is a leading cause of parent-adult child estrangement, according to a Cornell University survey.¹

Were My Parents Self-Absorbed?

Traits commonly exhibited by emotionally immature caregivers:

• Egocentricity: Self-absorption and lacking self-awareness; a child’s emotional needs are sidelined, even if material needs are met.
• Mental rigidity: Little respect for differences and defensiveness when challenged.
• Low stress tolerance: Difficulty coping when things don’t go their way.
• Inconsistency and unpredictability: Shifting rules and expectations; affection feels conditional.
• Intense but shallow emotions: Quick mood changes, rarely with nuance.

Tactics of Emotionally Immature Parents

• Parentification: Expecting children to take on unreasonable, inappropriate adult responsibilities, like mediating parents’ arguments or acting as their therapist.
• Gaslighting: Questioning a child’s memory, judgment, or sense of reality.
• Moving the goal posts: Shifting and changing expectations without rewarding progress.
• Guilt-tripping: Making a child feel bad for their choices, becoming resentful or playing the victim if confronted.
• Rug-sweeping: Ending arguments without resolution or acknowledgement of the issue.
• Favoritism: Treating one sibling as the “golden child,” while making the others feel invisible.
• Intrusiveness: Lacking boundaries and feeling entitled to a child’s personal life.
• Straw man arguments: Misrepresenting or distorting a child’s views, often putting them on the defensive.
• Blame game: Rarely accepting accountability.
• Strings attached: Giving gifts only with conditions that are later held against the child.
• Questioning worth: Making a child feel they must constantly prove their worth.

Take the Test: Were You Raised by Emotionally Immature People?

Emotional Immaturity vs. Narcissism

Emotional immaturity spans a range of problematic behaviors. Narcissism fits under the umbrella, but with key differences:

• Image is paramount to narcissistic parents; children become a source of “narcissistic supply” to bolster a parent’s worth.
• Deviation from an emotionally immature caregiver’s wishes may get you the cold shoulder; narcissistic parents often retaliate more severely (e.g., cutting you off from other family members).
• Change may be possible for emotionally immature individuals with insight and effort; change is nearly impossible for narcissistic individuals given their highly defensive nature.

What Causes Emotional Immaturity?

Authoritarian Parenting

Many emotionally immature people were raised by authoritarian parents who prioritized obedience over social-emotional development. In families with a history of trauma, survival and “mental toughness” typically trump emotional well-being. Cultural norms also shape parenting (e.g., “children should be seen and not heard”).

Uncomfortable Truths: The ADHD Connection

ADHD is highly heritable. If you have ADHD, it’s likely that one or both of your parents — who likely grew up at a time when neurodivergence was rarely acknowledged and highly stigmatized — also have it, regardless of whether they acknowledge it.

Parenting with unrecognized ADHD stretches a person’s limits. Without support or self-awareness, it’s difficult to meet the demands of raising a child, especially if the child is also neurodivergent. The link may explain why childhood emotional abuse is commonly reported by individuals with ADHD.¹ What’s more, abuse can worsen ADHD symptoms¹, creating a vicious cycle.

Read: Will I Break My Child in the Same Places I Was Broken?

The Fallout from Toxic Parenting

Anxiety and Poor Self-Image

Children of emotionally immature parents often develop perfectionism, chronic guilt and shame, depression, and harsh self-criticism.

Hyper-Independence

Fear of burdening others leads to self-denial, neglecting one’s own needs (even physical), and avoiding asking for help.

Relationship Issues

Unaddressed patterns may repeat across adult relationships. While estrangement is a possibility, so is enmeshment (unhealthy interdependence). People-pleasing and trust issues are common.

Trauma

Chronic emotional instability and insecurity may lead to complex post-traumatic stress disorder and dissociation – disconnecting from one’s thoughts, feelings, or the present. It can look a lot like daydreaming or distraction rooted in ADHD.

The Road to Recovery

Regardless of your relationship with your parents now, take these steps to begin your healing journey.

1. Shift Self-Talk

Swap harsh inner narratives, which only reinforce shame, for neutral or compassionate ones:

• Critical:“I’m so stupid. I fell for it again.”
• Neutral: “I have a hard time recognizing this pattern.”
• Kind: “I’m learning to spot these signs so that I can react differently.”

2. Ask for What You Need

Express your feelings, ask for help, and state boundaries, even if it feels uncomfortable for others.

3. Practice Radical Acceptance

Consider the possibility that your parents’ harmful behaviors were shaped by self-preservation and their own unhealed wounds, not an innate desire to hurt you. Whatever the reason, you can accept who they are without approving of them. Acceptance simply acknowledges reality; if doesn’t give them a pass.

4. Heal for Yourself

You may want your parents to join you in forging a healthier relationship, but you cannot force them to do so. Your healing is for you only.

It takes enormous effort to recognize and change problematic behaviors you may have inherited or developed in response to toxic parenting. Forgive yourself, focus on what’s in your control, and seek support from a therapist who can help you understand how your upbringing may have impacted your wellbeing and how best to cope.

Should You Cut Ties?

Some toxic relationships do improve when adult children and their parents commit to working on healthier behaviors and boundaries. But some relationships are so unhealthy that the only ways to preserve an adult child’s wellbeing is to sever all ties.

How do you know if that’s the case for you?

Some relationships function best with minimal contact – you may see the other person occasionally, have limited phone or email contact, and speak only about superficial topics with a low emotional charge. This may be a good compromise if you feel that cutting ties might result in losing contact with a younger sibling or a vulnerable elder close to the toxic adult. The key is to maintain your boundaries without incurring new trauma.

In the other cases, the person’s behavior is so relentlessly abusive, manipulative, or traumatizing that continued contact is not healthy. If an emotionally immature parent manipulates or tries to coerce your children, if they repeatedly violate your boundaries without showing remorse or any effort to change, or if their behaviors escalate, it may be best to have no contact. A trauma-informed therapist can help you sort through your feelings about, and the possible consequences of, this decision.

Ending Toxic Patterns

If you are the adult child of emotionally immature parents, you can break the cycle of abuse and trauma with your own children – but first you must recognize the harmful behaviors you’ve learned and might be mirroring, such as:

• Reacting with anger when a loved one doesn’t do as you wish
• Opening your mouth and hearing your abusive parents’ words come out
• Getting into power struggles
• Being harsh or rigid, then feeling shame

Begin to break these patterns by following these steps:

• Read and educate yourself on what is realistic. Emotionally immature parents often expect developmentally inappropriate behavior from their kids.
• Get in tune with your inner world. Practice noticing and identifying your emotions, thoughts, and behaviors throughout the day to develop greater self-awareness.
• Learn to respond rather than react. Reactions stem from impulse or instinct. Responses are chosen with conscious intention.
• Apologize and take responsibility for yourself. Mistakes are human, but the way we respond to our mistakes can teach our children healthy ways to do the same.
• Practice self-compassion when you struggle.

Amy Marlow-MaCoy is a licensed professional counselor and founder of The Courageous Heart Institute.

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Sources

¹ Cornell Family Estrangement and Reconciliation Project. https://www.familyreconciliation.org/faqs

² Capusan, A. J., Kuja-Halkola, R., Bendtsen, P., Viding, E., McCrory, E., Marteinsdottir, I., & Larsson, H. (2016). Childhood maltreatment and attention deficit hyperactivity disorder symptoms in adults: a large twin study. Psychological Medicine, 46(12), 2637–2646. doi:10.1017/S0033291716001021

³ Brown, N. M., Brown, S. N., Briggs, R. D., Germán, M., Belamarich, P. F., & Oyeku, S. O. (2017). Associations Between Adverse Childhood Experiences and ADHD Diagnosis and Severity. Academic pediatrics, 17(4), 349–355. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.acap.2016.08.013

As we age, the struggle to make and keep friends seems to grow alongside the family and professional commitments that demand so much time. When you live with ADHD, developing adult friendships may feel even more complicated. Many adults with ADHD say they have trouble staying in touch, reading social cues, and managing their emotions — especially feelings of rejection. These challenges can make friendships feel confusing and fragile, even when the desire for connection is strong.

In this webinar, we’ll explore how ADHD can impact adult friendships — from how we show up socially to how we handle conflict, communication, and emotional turbulence. You’ll learn why certain patterns repeat, and discover practical ways to build stronger, more rewarding relationships. Together, we’ll talk about how to create friendships that feel supportive, balanced, and authentic.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• About the ADHD traits that can stifle connection and make friendships feel hard to maintain
• How to become aware of behavior, such as interrupting or not paying attention when others are speaking, that might negatively affect friendships
• How rejection sensitivity and emotional intensity affect relationships
• Simple tools to strengthen connection, repair misunderstandings, and nurture meaningful friendships.

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Webinar Sponsor

Play Attention brings NASA inspired technology to your living room. Backed by research from Tufts University School of Medicine, it strengthens attention, executive function, and emotional regulation for stronger adult relationships. Designed to fit real life with brief daily sessions, a dedicated Focus Coach, and a customized plan. Home and professional programs available. Visit our calendar to schedule a consultation or learn more at www.playattention.com.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

ADHD and Friendship: Resources

• • • Free Download: Become a Small-Talk Superstar
    • Read: How to Make Friends As an Adult With ADHD, According to Our Readers
    • Read: How to Make Friends — and Keep Them
    • Read: 6 Ways to Build and Sustain Healthy Relationships
      
      

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on December 9, 2025 watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Amy Kempe, LPC, NCC, is a graduate of Villanova University, is a Licensed Professional Counselor, and the founder of Authentic Life Therapy, located just outside of Philadelphia.  Amy specializes in trauma-focused care for individuals healing from narcissistic abuse, rejection, grief, and relational wounds. Amy published her first book on the topic of Narcissistic Abuse Recovery (#CommissionsEarned) in February 2023. In addition to providing therapy services, she offers clinical training and continuing education on topics such as complex trauma, attachment repair, and relational interventions. Amy is trained in IFS, EMDR, Brainspotting, CBT, and Hakomi therapies. She uses these modalities in conjunction with a deeply relational approach, supporting both clients and clinicians in fostering authentic connection and emotional resilience. She is licensed to practice in Pennsylvania via telehealth in Delaware.
#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

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