When Parenting Styles Clash
Raising a child with ADHD requires a united front and consistent rules. Start here.
Q: My spouse and I have different parenting styles. I give our child with ADHD reminders, timers, reward charts, and other tools to help them compensate for weak executive functions and complete tasks. My partner says I’m “babying” our child and that they should do their tasks independently. How can we resolve our differences?
It’s not uncommon for parenting strategies and styles to diverge, with one parent prioritizing building independence, while the other leans toward empathy and support.
Tasks involving time management, prioritization, managing materials, and impulse control are tricky. Kids with ADHD benefit greatly from supports like timers, alarms, and visual schedules to keep them on track.
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These strategies aren’t signs of “babying.” They are evidence-based tools and approaches that help build good habits and self-regulation skills. Without them, our children would likely feel frustrated and anxious.
Overall, kids with ADHD do best when their parents understand and support their executive functioning struggles, set consistent rules, and provide a united front. Use these strategies to better align your parenting styles:
Learn about ADHD together.
ADHD is not a physical disability, and its “invisibility” can make it hard for some caregivers to understand. ADHD behaviors, such as impulsivity or hyperactivity, are not a choice; they are manifestations of a neurological disorder. Strengthen ADHD understanding by:
- Reading the same ADDitude ADHD parenting articles or eBooks, listening to podcasts or webinars together, or attending a parent workshop on ADHD.
- Going to parent-teacher conferences together so you both hear how ADHD has affected your child in the classroom.
💡 Essential Read: Your Child’s ADHD Is an Iceberg
Agree on expectations.
When you are raising a child with ADHD, certain tasks or boundaries (like completing homework, adhering to time limits on video games, or keeping a clean bedroom) will likely result in meltdowns or arguments at some point. Discuss your expectations with your partner and assess whether they are appropriate for your child’s developmental age (not chronological age). Come to an agreement that will work for both of you, and, if you can’t agree, seek help from a therapist or coach. Then communicate these expectations to your child.
It’s okay to have different views on caring for a neurodivergent child as long as both parents present a united front, focus on shared goals, and learn to compromise on approaches to create a healthy and positive home environment.
ADHD and Different Parenting Styles: Next Steps from ADDitude
Liz Nissim, Ph.D., is a clinical and school psychologist specializing in parenting and executive function coaching for neurodivergent children and teens.
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