“You’d forget your head if it wasn’t glued on.”

“I heard things like, ‘Thank goodness she’s pretty because…'”

“The words were never as hurtful as the glares, the eye-rolling, and the silent treatment from family members who were constantly aggravated as I disrupted their peace.”

The messages that ADDitude readers have been subjected to about themselves and their neurodivergence would be shocking if they weren’t so ubiquitous. Sadly, their experiences mirror what we know about living with ADHD — that criticism is common and greatly reduces self-worth.

Words hurt, but ADDitudereaders also attest that the right ones can empower and heal. Read on to learn about the most frustrating messages our readers heard about themselves, and the messages and actions — from themselves and from others — that uplifted them and corrected the narrative.

[Read: “I’m Way Too Hard on Myself”]

“‘Why can’t you just [insert thing here]?’ I felt frustrated because I didn’t understand either! I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just do the thing that needed to be done. My mom would say, ‘Put out the fires at your feet first.’ You can’t just put out a whole forest fire at once. You need to start from where you’re at. It helped when I would feel overwhelmed. My mom would also quote Rollie Pollie Ollie: ‘Do the best you can because that’s the best you can do.’ It reminded me that I can’t expect more of myself than I’m able to give. Whatever I am able to do is good enough.” — Ella, Canada

“Any pointed comments about me being lazy or seeing others get exasperated with me to the point of sharp frustration or tears made me feel like something was wrong with me. Now that I understand why, it’s been helpful to mitigate my inner negativity, but I still have ways to go. What I’ve found helpful is finding people who coach and guide me without judgement — like when others tell me that they understand what I’m dealing with (e.g., hard time getting into the work or being easily frustrated).” — Jono, Canada

“I was ‘too much.’ My mom always told me it was OK if some things take me longer, at least I was getting them right.” — Megan, Utah

“I was told that I was dramatic, overly sensitive, impolite, lazy. My self-esteem is beginning to recover, but I still easily slip into berating myself. Being told that I was compassionate, gifted, and intelligent made me feel better about myself. I still hold on to these compliments.” — Ayanna, California

[Read: The ADHD Myths That Hurt Us Most]

“If I hadn’t been mentored by my college professor, I don’t know where I would be now. Her message, without any kind of sweetness, was that I was of great value.” — Jean, Michigan

“It didn’t matter what the specific words or situations were. The message was that I, me, myself, was wrong. The uplifting messages I got were from people I respected and who saw my abilities or efforts. It took awhile to see and hear them, and sometimes I thought they were negative. I also find a lot of lift in reading sports interviews. Athletes work through self-doubt far better than I have ever done.” — Jen, Massachusetts

“I was told that I was lazy and that I would succeed if I just put more effort in. I felt dumb and incapable. The most helpful support and feedback was given to me about other strengths: social skills, creativity, generosity, kindness. I felt seen in my musical abilities even though these were often non-traditional.” — An ADDitude Reader

“Worst messages: You are lazy. You are too combative. You are too loud and intimidating. You don’t know when to shut up. You are a know-it-all. You are disruptive and too much. Best messages: I love your honest and straightforward way. I know you won’t ever lie to me and that you always have my best interests in mind. You are the most caring and empathetic person I have ever met. You’ve changed my life. You always have such a unique perspective. I love how creative you are. You are inspiring. You should be a motivational speaker. These words made me feel seen and understood. That I could really make a difference and that my life has purpose. Like I could do anything.” — Carmen, Germany

“You think too much. You over-analyze. You dream too big. You focus on small details. You are too organized or structured for this fast-paced environment. You document too much. You talk too much. You schmooze too much. These are all skills that came in handy when I began working as a technical sales person. I had a boss recognize I was a people-person and had a way of organizing chaos. He made it known that what I perceived as my flaws, were actually my strengths.” — An ADDitude Reader

“You’re really smart but you’re not living up to your potential. You’re lazy. You don’t listen. You’re a terrible student. You can’t sit still. Stop making excuses for doing so poorly in school and start applying yourself. Those messages made me feel frustrated, angry, self-conscious, and disappointed in myself. I had a fifth-grade teacher who recognized I was a talented writer, and regularly encouraged me to keep developing my skills. Another English teacher also recognized my talents and made me feel like I was smarter than my parents and other teachers gave me credit for.” — Tom, Colorado

ADHD and Self-Esteem: Next Steps

• Read: “How Rewriting the Past Can Help You Overcome ADHD Shame”
• Read: Your Inner Critic Is Sabotaging Your Efforts. Mute It.
• Read: “‘The Bright Underachiever:’ Cruelties I Heard Growing Up with Undiagnosed ADHD”

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But people pleasing, as I and others with ADHD know, often results in little more than broken promises — to others, and to ourselves. People-pleasing behaviors like failing to set boundaries, readily assuming blame, and being overly agreeable for validation’s sake lead to unmet goals, dissatisfaction, burnout, and resentment.

What finally helped me address people-pleasing behaviors was a powerful reframe: I’m not pleasing people; I’m abandoning myself.

[Read: Self-Sabotage and ADHD — Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?]

It hit hard when I thought of how many times I’ve abandoned myself across my life, but I let this realization propel me to do better for myself.

How to Stop Abandoning Yourself

It takes time to unlearn people-pleasing tendencies. Start by asking yourself one question the next time you face a potential commitment: Does the activity nurture or drain my energy?

Depersonalize your response and try not to assign morality to the situation. Say your child’s school asks for volunteers to organize a bake sale. Instead of thinking, “I should volunteer because that’s what good parents do,” think of what it would require of you. Would you be able to volunteer and preserve enough energy to attend to your and your family’s needs at home?

As you set a boundary, remember that you can attend to activities in ways that meet your energy needs and values. The bake sale may be draining this time, but perhaps you can donate a store-brought treat to the event.

People Pleasing and ADHD: Next Steps

• Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract ADHD Imposter Syndrome
• Read: When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD
  
• Read: 7 Self-Defeating Behaviors That Aggravate ADHD

This article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts Webinar, “How to Accomplish Your 2026 Goals — One Day at a Time” with Caren Magill. Caren is an ADHD coach, entrepreneur, and YouTube creator.

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Better yet, I learned that she’s really open about her diagnosis. She told ESPN: “I have ADHD, and I love situations that I’m not expecting. It gives me a dopamine rush.”

Liu does have a slightly chaotic ADHD vibe. She’s rarely sitting still. She can appear charmingly clueless — like after her win, when she wandered off, just to be reminded that she needed to go get her medal. She says and does what she wants, even when it seems unexpected or a little silly. She cracks jokes at press conferences. She screamed, “Now that’s what I’m f*ckin’ talking about!” into the camera after her win. (It has since become a meme). She cheers for her fellow skaters.

In short, Liu is everything I was told NOT to be as a neurodivergent athlete myself.

Like Liu, I have ADHD and am a figure skater. Unlike her, I am not an Olympic champion, have never done a quadruple lutz (although I have done a double), and don’t have the guts to color my hair or pierce my frenulum. (I cried when I got my ears pierced.)

[Read: Olympians, Professional Athletes, and Sports Legends with ADHD]

But like Liu, I also had an interesting journey to understanding my ADHD.

Liu got evaluated for ADHD when she realized she had 145 unfinished homework assignments in her final year of high school. She struggled with procrastination, and like many of us, needs novelty and challenge to focus.

I was diagnosed at 11, promptly forgot (I didn’t take meds, for various reasons), and was re-diagnosed 20 years later when I erroneously sought diagnosis and treatment for OCD. (A path so many women with ADHD walk).

Like everyone else, I felt the joy when Liu skated at the Olympics. I was perhaps more invested because I’d interviewed her when she first burst on the Junior scene — a tiny 13-year-old who had the hopes and dreams of the skating community resting on her petite shoulders.

Her Olympic win is even more impressive when you learn her backstory: she retired at 16 after a disappointing sixth-place finish at the 2022 Olympics, took two years off, climbed Mount Everest, and still came back to claim not only Olympic gold but also the World title in 2025.

She quit because she couldn’t stand the pressure anymore. She didn’t like feeling like a “puppet.” And she really didn’t like not making her own choices about not just her skating, but her life.

Liu came back because she missed the adrenaline rush, and skating again was fun. But with one caveat: everything — music, costumes, diet, training — would be on her terms.

And that turned out to be the missing link. By giving herself accommodations and taking control of her life, Liu showed us all what can happen when we choose to do things our way, not the neurotypical way.

What Alysa Liu’s Burnout Can Teach High-Functioning ADHD Women

Many high-functioning ADHD girls and women (perhaps including Liu) never get diagnosed or get diagnosed later in life because they appear to be doing more than fine. They excel in academics. They dominate in sports. They pour themselves into whatever captures their hyperfocus. From the outside, everything looks great. But inside, they’re floundering.

In highly controlled environments — like elite figure skating — this can feel even more suffocating. The constant pressure to perform, conform, and comply collides with a brain that craves autonomy and novelty.

There’s also a prevailing narrative in sport that struggle equals growth. That discipline is the price of success. It looks like logging hours on the ice while your mind is quietly collapsing. It’s denying your own wants and needs so you don’t let anyone down.

I lived this. I wasn’t an Olympian, but I was a competitive figure skater for over 20 years. I was surrounded by Olympians who coached and trained alongside me, and I spent years wondering why I couldn’t just commit, work harder, and do what they did. My perfectionism made me walk away at 18. Though I returned to the sport, like Liu, and saw moments when I stopped performing neurotypically, I still burned out — a decision my body made for me.

What I admire most about Liu is that she didn’t wait for that. She chose to walk away before it broke her — and chose to come back only when she could do it on her own terms. She didn’t try to fit back into the old system. She built a new one.

Alysa Liu Is the Role Model I Didn’t Know I Needed

To be fair, Alysa isn’t the only athlete to open up about their mental health. But the way she talks about ADHD — openly celebrating it — is refreshing.

In a sport that has historically prized tight control over bodies, speech, and appearance, that’s revelatory. It makes her a figure skating icon for a whole new generation — one that makes its own rules and celebrates its own individuality.

ADHD brains like ours aren’t wired for obligation. We need careers and pursuits that are novel, that bring new challenges, that keep us guessing. That’s why so many athletes, entrepreneurs, and creatives are neurodivergent — we thrive on the unknown.

But when those pursuits become routine, we lose interest fast. It starts feeling like slogging uphill, with burnout at the summit.

This is almost certainly where Liu ended up before her retirement. So she left. And when she came back, she made sure joy came first.

And while most of us will never win an Olympic medal, we can learn from how she got there. We can find ways to accommodate ourselves. We can be honest and authentic instead of performing what we think people want. We can ask for help. We can honor our own process — the wandering attention, the scattered practices, the FaceTime calls mid-warmup — and trust that when our energy is ready, it will show up.

The biggest lessons we can learn from Liu: Be yourself. Do what you need to do for you. Follow your interests, because that’s where your success lies.
Maybe the only thing we need to change is what we lead with.
Alysa led with joy. And she won.

Christie Sausa, MS, is a dual-sport neurodivergent athlete who writes the Not Your Average Athlete blog.

Athletes with ADHD: More from ADDitude

• Read: Sports Psychology Tricks That Work for ADHD Brains
• Read: “Maybe I’m Not Just Thoroughly Messed Up” Olympian Molly Seidel On Her Late ADHD Diagnosis
• Read: How Swimming Saved Michael Phelps

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A staggering 78% of ADDitude readers say they’ve been gaslit by a provider, according to a poll of 194 respondents conducted during a February 2026 webinar with Jennifer Fraser, Ph.D., titled “Medical Gaslighting: When Willful Ignorance Causes Doctors to Dismiss Your ADHD Concerns.”

Is there a difference between gaslighting and provider ignorance? What makes people with ADHD susceptible to gaslighting? It is possible to resist gaslighting and heal from past experiences of self-doubt?

Fraser addressed these questions in her webinar and provided evidence-based strategies to protect from future gaslighting while healing from past dismissals. Whether you’re seeking an ADHD diagnosis or advocating for better treatment, these three takeaways will help you find your voice at the doctor’s office.

1. Whether It’s Gaslighting or Ineffectiveness, the Result Is the Same

One definition of gaslighting says it is a form of psychological or emotional abuse that involves lying, manipulation, and challenging a person’s reality to gain control over them. Another says it is the act or practice of grossly misleading someone, especially for one’s own advantage.

These definitions suggest that not every dismissive doctor is engaging in intentional gaslighting. Many physicians are unfamiliar with new ADHD research, including studies about how it presents in historically overlooked populations (e.g., women, people of color, older adults). Still, the damage may be done regardless of intent.

“Regardless of whether the gaslighting is intentional or you are being misdiagnosed… it still is going to make you feel off-kilter,” Fraser explained. “It’s going to make you question yourself, question your own reality.”

That said, a doctor who lacks knowledge but remains curious can become a partner in your care.

2. ADHD Creates Unique Vulnerabilities to Gaslighting

People with ADHD often arrive at a doctor’s office already questioning their reality. Negative messaging around their symptoms — often misinterpreted by others as character flaws — and pressure to adhere to neurotypical standards of functioning create deep self-doubt. When a doctor questions a patient’s story or suggests that what they believe to be ADHD symptoms are actually depression, anxiety, or something else, it compounds self-doubt.

Women may be especially susceptible to medical gaslighting, as science has historically focused on male bodies, leaving providers with significant knowledge gaps. Women also tend to mask symptoms, and are frequently told they can’t have ADHD because they weren’t diagnosed as children or they’re “too successful” to have it.

3. You Can Protect Yourself from Gaslighting

From sharpening your senses to learning to trust your gut, you can train your malleable brain to resist gaslighting through daily practice, Fraser said. To help you learn to trust your gut, for example, you can develop your emotional vocabulary, which will help you articulate your experiences with more precision.

To learn more about how to spot gaslighting, defend against it, and effectively advocate for yourself, watch the full webinar at additu.de/022426.

Medical Gaslighting and ADHD: Resources

• Free Download: How to Talk to Your Doctor About Medical Research
• Read: “Medical Gaslighting Convinced Me That I Didn’t Have ADHD”
• Read: A Clinicians’ Guide to Better Patient Communication

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
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Many autistic people hear this as they get to know their true selves better and intentionally begin to unmask. This observation is often followed by the equally unhelpful, “You used to be able to do it; why can’t you do it now?”

In the process of unmasking, some neurodivergent people experience “skill regression.” This is the term many clinicians use when a person with autism and/or ADHD suddenly has trouble with routine tasks like self-care, attending events they once seemed to enjoy, or managing executive functions like time management. The term skill regression, however, is quite pathologizing and a bit misleading.

[Take This Self-Test: Signs of Autism in Women]

Why ‘Skill Regression’ Is a Misleading Term

When I was in college, I went for a hike in the woods by myself and fell, rolling my ankle. It stung but held my weight, so I walked the rest of the way back. As soon as I got home and sat down, I couldn’t get up again. It’s not that the pain suddenly hit at home, but that I pushed myself past my limits, ignoring the pain until it was safe to acknowledge it.

When someone is high-masking, they exert a lot of energy presenting as neurotypical. Masking your authentic self involves disregarding your own needs, sensory sensitivities, and communication style to meet society’s expectations. A big part of unmasking is getting back in touch with these needs and recognizing the unhealthy or even unsafe ways you have overextended yourself.

In other words, it is misleading to call this a skill regression. I prefer to say that the individual has recognized their limits and begun to honor them. If you are in the process of unmasking, you may notice that some previously palatable situations and tasks now seem exhausting or even impossible. In my case, I realized how overwhelming I found my in-person office setting. Spending 40 hours in that setting was suddenly unsustainable. Learning what is sustainable has helped me discover hidden strengths and capabilities.

If someone you love seems to be experiencing skill regression, please be patient with them. Know that they are not trying to give you a hard time; rather, they are getting to know themselves better. If they trust you enough to show you how they are struggling, recognize that this is an honor. They feel safe telling you about their needs and newly identified limitations. Support them and encourage them to be honest and open about all of it.

Unmasking in Autism and ADHD: Next Steps

• Free Download: The Guide to Autism in Adults
  
• Read: 10 Steps to Unmasking Your ADHD
• Read: “I Thought I Sucked at Life. But I Was High-Masking Autism All Along.”
• Watch: “Understanding AuDHD Burnout: How Neurodivergent Masking Sparks Stress, Exhaustion”

Amy Marschall, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist, author, and speaker.

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Living with a compulsive need to please others and avoid conflict can be emotionally exhausting. With ADHD in the mix, self-esteem and communication skills can also suffer.

To achieve a healthier balance in your relationships, follow these seven steps.

1. Identify Root Causes

People-pleasing behaviors often stem from fear of rejection, low self-esteem, or past experiences in which you felt emotional safety hinged on accommodating others.

Perhaps you felt you had to fulfill your parents’ demands, no matter how unhealthy, or risk harsh punishment and emotional upheaval. Maybe you experienced rejection from your parents, peers, and other adults whose standards felt impossible to reach. A therapist can help you explore and understand the root causes of your people-pleasing behaviors and develop solutions for overcoming them.

[Read: How ADHD Impacts Sex and Marriage]

2. Set Boundaries

Self-respect grows from setting healthy boundaries and prioritizing self-care. This doesn’t mean you care less about your family; it means you care enough about yourself to make sure your needs are being met. Start with minor requests, learn to say no, and express your desires.

3. Speak Up

Have an honest conversation with your husband and family. Express your desire to change, A supportive partner will understand and help you with this transition. Effective communication can also prevent misunderstandings.

4. Reframe Thoughts

Many compulsive people-pleasers harbor negative thoughts and self-criticism. Are your fears based on proven facts or speculation? Cognitive behavioral techniques can be particularly helpful in reframing negative thinking patterns.

[Webinar Replay: Stop People Pleasing! Halting the Cycle of ADHD Self-Doubt, Perfectionism and Procrastination]

5. Practice Assertiveness

Being assertive means expressing your thoughts, feelings, and needs directly and respectfully. This can be challenging if you’re used to avoiding conflict, but there are many books, workshops, and therapies to help you build these skills. Participating in role-playing scenarios with a therapist or trusted friend can also help.

6. Embrace Self-Compassion

Be kind to yourself as you work through these changes. It’s normal to make mistakes and revert to old patterns occasionally. Instead of beating yourself up, acknowledge your progress and remind yourself that change take time.

7. Prioritize Mutual Respect

Healthy relationships are built on mutual respect and understanding. When you and your husband contribute equally to the relationship, it creates a more satisfying partnership and reduces the pressure to constantly please.

Breaking free from the cycle of pleasing people and avoiding conflict is not easy, but with patience, self-awareness, and support, it’s possible.

Stephanie Sarkis, PhD., is the author of Healing from Toxic Relationships: 10 Essential Steps to Recover from Gaslighting, Narcissism, and Emotional Abuse.

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Let me set the scene for you: I’m sitting at home, wearing a headset, taking calls for a psychic helpline. Yes, at the grand age of 30, I was moonlighting as a fake phone psychic. But I needed a job I could easily do from home, and this one sounded doable. And fun?

I’ve had many different roles throughout my life. I’ve been part of a cabin crew, sold wine over the phone, worked for an international charity, sold suitcases, reported as a freelance journalist, and worked at McDonald’s, a shirt shop, a toothbrush factory, and a garden center.

💡 Read: From Bowling-Alley Bartender to Cleopatra Waitress — My Story of ADHD Job Hopping

Now, in my latest incarnation, I’m finally doing something related to my degree. I’m a Ph.D. researcher attempting to understand the link between ADHD, gender, work, and entrepreneurship. Through my research, and for the first time in my life, I’ve met other women with the exact same story as mine. Despite often being labeled as gifted or having above-average intelligence, many women with ADHD seem to flounder and float around in the working world.

A checkered work history like mine seems to be so common among women with ADHD that I’ve come to see it as a shorthand sign of neurodivergence: Have you had 50 different jobs before the age of 30? If you answer yes, have you considered an ADHD evaluation?

A Nagging Sense of Wasted Potential

I make light of it, but it has always been a huge source of shame for me that, despite being told repeatedly how much “potential” I had, I could never distill it down to a traditional, fulfilling career. Not that there’s anything wrong with the odd jobs I had, only that I landed in them because I thought I couldn’t do more. And I couldn’t see myself fitting in anywhere else.

How relieved I was to find I wasn’t alone; research backs up that people with ADHD tend to work in jobs that are below their academic qualifications. Despite scoring higher in intelligence tests, they also have lower self-esteem than their peers.^{1 2}

💡 Read: “You Have So Much Potential. You Just Don’t Apply Yourself.”

Women with ADHD who are working in jobs far below their potential and academic credentials are only too familiar with this situation. I remember once while working as cabin crew, I asked a pilot the standard question of “Is your wife crew?” (It’s very common for pilots to marry cabin crew.) He looked at me, laughed, and said, “Oh, no. My wife is intelligent. She has a degree.” It felt like a punch in the gut.

We Deserve Fulfilling Lives

Learning that I had ADHD as an adult changed everything for me. It helped me understand my relationship to work and the fact that I — and many women — are navigating a world that largely wasn’t built for minds like ours. I’ve learned to forgive myself for my perceived failings, and I encourage women who see themselves in my story to do the same.

Unconditional acceptance of your strengths and areas of need, strategic self-advocacy, and out-of-the-box thinking (perhaps even entrepreneurship) are key. But it’s not just on us — workplaces would benefit from learning how to support neurodivergent employees, which may need to come at a public policy level. It’s my hope to help create pathways that support neurodivergent women in reducing shame and building fulfilling and autonomous professional lives that allow them to access their full potential.

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Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ Jangmo, A., Kuja-Halkola, R., Pérez-Vigil, A., Almqvist, C., Bulik, C. M., D’Onofrio, B., Lichtenstein, P., Ahnemark, E., Werner-Kiechle, T., & Larsson, H. (2021). Attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder and occupational outcomes: The role of educational attainment, comorbid developmental disorders, and intellectual disability. PloS one, 16(3), e0247724. https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0247724

² Foley-Nicpon, M., Rickels, H., Assouline, S. G., & Richards, A. (2012). Self-Esteem and Self-Concept Examination Among Gifted Students With ADHD. Journal for the Education of the Gifted, 35(3), 220-240. https://doi.org/10.1177/0162353212451735

Does self-care feel like yet another to-do list task for which you have neither the time nor the energy? Do you ridicule, avoid, and/or worry that you’re “failing” at it?

Especially for people with ADHD, practicing self-care can feel burdensome for a few key reasons:

You Feel Undeserving

Is suffering part of your narrative? It is for many people with ADHD, especially those who were diagnosed later in life. A core sense of inadequacy may make you function as if rest, pleasure, and other aspects of self-care are rewards you must earn — and ones that you don’t inherently or often deserve. You may assume that life is supposed to feel difficult all the time. Perhaps you even become suspicious when things feel a little easier.

💡 Read: You Are Worthy of Self-Compassion

You View Self-Care as Gratuitous

Self-care is not always glamorous or expensive. It doesn’t just look like pursuing hobbies, treating yourself to a pastry, or getting a weekly manicure. It’s about tending to your needs and intentionally showing up for yourself by prioritizing sleep, adequately fueling and moving your body, staying on top of hygiene, maintaining an organized living space, and fulfilling other “boring” but important commitments.

All of this requires planning, prioritizing, initiation, motivation, emotional regulation, and other skills that draw on the very areas that are challenging for people living with ADHD.

So, yes, self-care can feel like a chore, which is defined as an unpleasant but necessary task. But I invite you to think of self-care as a way of being — a collection of tasks that no one else can do for you. When these tasks are performed consistently, they allow you to show up as the best version of yourself.

How to Take Care of Yourself with ADHD

1. Relieve the Pressure

Refine. Write a list of no more than five activities or tasks that help you feel your best, whether that’s sipping an afternoon cup of tea, listening to music, or going to the gym. Your goal is not to do these activities every day, but three times a week or with some other frequency that feels realistic.

💡 Read: What Makes a Life Fulfilling? Pursuing Goals Important to You, Not Others.

Need vs. should. You’ll gain more clarity on where to concentrate your self-care efforts by asking yourself: “What is key to making me feel like myself?” “What helps me come back to feeling centered and grounded?”

Challenge perfectionism. If self-care feels overwhelming, it may be perfectionism rearing its ugly head. Perfectionism can make you believe that self-care must be performed a certain way. When this happens, pause and think about what would make the task easier. Is it possible to cover your needs through different tasks?

Note that self-care activities often change based on life circumstances, which is normal. Movement may be an essential component of your self-care, for example, which may look like going for an hour-long run one day and taking a 10-minute stroll after dinner another day. Focus on what you can do.

2. Share Self-Care

One of the most effective ways to boost motivation for self-care is to include others in it. Tidy your space while video calling with a friend. Ask your neighbor to join you on your walk. Start a self-care group chat with friends where you all share your wins.

Try bundling habits, too. Pair a new self-care action with an existing routine. Use visual cues and do what you can to reduce friction between yourself and the activity.

Before and after completing a self-care activity, reinforce it by repeating phrases that speak to its importance such as:

• Having ADHD does not mean that I deserve discomfort, stress or burnout.
• Prioritizing my sleep instead of doom scrolling helps me wake up well-rested.
• There is no need to feel guilty for attending to my needs and taking care of myself.
• I deserve to live a healthy life which can include asking others for support.

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I don’t need to tell you that anxiety has a way of hijacking the ADHD brain’s attention and focus. That it shows up unannounced, derailing our plans and schedules. But what if you could turn the tables and put anxiety itself on a schedule?

Giving your worries a scheduled time slot — and pairing them with healthy reframing and other worry-busting skills — isn’t about suppressing or trying to stop anxiety. It’s about staying in control, a form of emotional regulation in action. You’re training your brain to avoid hours of rumination so you can stay more calm, present, and productive.

Worry Time: How to Timebox or Delay Anxiety

1. When anxiety and worry come up — like on your way to a doctor’s appointment, or just before taking a difficult exam, or as you think about a difficult conversation you need to have — immediately set a 15-minute timer. (Or whatever time frame is feasible.)

2. Over the next 15 minutes, write or say aloud all your worrisome thoughts. What if I have a serious disease? What if I make a fool of myself? What if I fail my test? Give your full attention to your thoughts, no matter where they take you.

💭 Read: Why Do I Assume the Worst-Case Scenario?

3. As the minutes pass, you may find that you feel much better just by venting. You may have also challenged some of your thoughts:

• How likely is that to happen?
• What evidence do I have for this supposed outcome?
• Where am I jumping to conclusions?
• Am I doubting my ability to handle the outcome I fear? When have I faced a similar situation?
• Is the problem in my control? What can I do about it if so? Which of my traits and strengths can I use to help me?

If you find yourself devoting your entire session to worrying (or if time blindness is a factor), consider a timer within a timer — one to signal that it’s time to switch to problem-solving and thought-challenging mode.

4. When the timer is up, stop worrying and return to your schedule. Close your notebook and say to yourself, “Worry time is finished.” Follow worry time with a pre-chosen anchor activity, like taking a shower or preparing dinner, to ease your mind off worrying.

😌 Read: 6 Ways to a Worry-Free Mind

5. In lieu of setting a 15-minute timer for worrying as soon as it appears, set a standing 15-minute appointment on your calendar for worrying, like you would for any other activity. When worries come up, jot them down and tell yourself that you’ll get to it later. Go ahead and tell your worry to wait. “I’ve got you on my calendar!”

Linda was studying for the LSAT when the thought, “What if I fail?” kept flashing like a neon sign through her mind. Instead of spiraling and using up her precious study time, she scheduled two standing worry appointments — Tuesdays and Thursdays from 4:15 p.m. to 4:30 p.m. Whenever anxiety crept in, she reminded herself, “Not now — it’s on the calendar.” By the time her worry slot arrived, her mind was calmer and ready to problem-solve.

So, the next time your brain insists, “What if I fail?” Try replying, “Great question! I’ll worry about it at 4:15 p.m.”

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If shame weighs on you, loosen its grip by incorporating these two short exercises (the same I share with my clients) into your days. Over time, these activities will rewire your mind and shift your focus from perceived inadequacies to self-compassion, growth, and progress.

Anti-Shame Activity: Alternative Endings

Think of an incident that triggered shame. (Start small.) Come up with three different endings for this uncomfortable, even painful, situation that you can feel better about.

⚡ Read: Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?

Say you felt ashamed recently for talking over an acquaintance. You can imagine an ending where you gently laughed off the interruption and said to them, “Sorry, I got so excited there that I couldn’t hold it in. Please, continue — I really want to hear what you have to say.”

Develop goals based on what you learned from this activity. For example, you may want to come up with mantras to help you stay present and actively listen. You may also want to build a habit of quickly acknowledging, apologizing, and moving on when interruptions happen (which takes practice!).

Imagined endings are not denial or daydreaming. They are therapy-based tools that force you to reckon with shame. They teach your brain a new route, encourage you to forgive yourself, and weaken shame’s hold. Don’t worry if this exercise feels awkward at first — forming new grooves takes time and practice.

Anti-Shame Activity: Hidden Gifts

Think of three people you know well in your life. For each, write down three of their strengths or good qualities. Then, ask them to do the same for you. You can say, “I’m doing an insights exercise. Would you be willing to share three strengths that you see me use when things get hard? One sentence is perfect.”

💡 Read: What Happens When We Log Tiny Wins

It may feel awkward to do this activity, but the response from my clients is overwhelmingly positive. Many note that it’s a profound experience filled with many surprises.

Don’t think of this activity as your typical strengths and weaknesses list. Its purpose is not necessarily self-improvement, but self-insight and self-appreciation — strong antidotes to shame and feelings of inadequacy.

Set a goal to review the responses regularly. Consider creating a reminder or monthly appointment on your calendar to nudge you to read through the responses.

If your shame is tied to trauma, depression, or thoughts of self-harm, bring these exercises to a licensed clinician to ensure you have support.

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The sensitive ADHD brain is wired to overreact. Big feelings flood your brain and fill it to capacity, blunting your ability to cope. Co-occurring conditions, like anxiety and mood disorders, may also intensify RSD and further degrade your coping abilities.

Use the following strategies to control your emotions, including RSD, in real time. Remember that key to better regulation is to practice coping skills even in times of calm.

⚡ Free Download! Scripts to Use When Emotionally Dysregulated

1. Turn Down the Volume

When RSD is coming at you fast, slow down those intense emotions — and allow the rational part of your brain to recover — with the following strategies:

• Acknowledge that you’re activated, then look for a healthy distraction; if you’re in a social setting, find a friend who can take your focus off your internal noise.
• If you’re caught off guard, buy yourself time to respond to an offhand remark or question with a canned response like, “That’s interesting. Let me think about it and get back to you.”
• Try a few rounds of triangle breathing; breathe in for four counts, hold it for four counts, exhale for six.
• Think QTIP (“quit taking it personally”). Consider the source — sometimes, a comment is simply a thoughtless one.
• Close your eyes and think of somebody who cares about you. What would they say to you in this moment?

2. Change Your Relationship to Worry

• Adopt a nickname for your worry. Always remember that you are not your worry; you are simply experiencing it. To help you disentangle from worry, treat it like a visitor.
• Talk to the feeling.  Say, “Worry, I understand that you feel like I can’t handle this, but I’ve got it. You can quiet down now.”
• Rejection may be the price of entry. In the interest of self-preservation, RSD might drive you to avoid situations where rejection and criticism are expected, as in the case of learning a new skill or standing up to lead a group. Do your best to look at your “why” when facing these situations. Think, “I’m willing to take a risk and see what happens.”
• You’ve survived it all. You’ve demonstrated resilience every time you survived and succeeded in the face of discomfort, rejection, and failure. Dig through your memory bank for those moments and think of the steps you took then to cope and overcome.

❗ Essential Read: How to Stop Catastrophizing

3. Prioritize Self-Care and Wellbeing

Continue to build your foundational toolkit. Your RSD strategies will work best when your mental health is being treated. Take your prescribed ADHD medication (and meds for other conditions), practice mindfulness, reduce stress, and do more of what you love.

Build satisfying social connections. The loving presence of caring and supportive friends and family is kryptonite to RSD. Surround yourself with like-minded people who accept you unconditionally. When meeting new people, take the pressure off by enjoying connection for connection’s sake. Show genuine curiosity and know that everyone has insecurities.

Redirect your attention to all things good. RSD warps perceptions and can make you feel like there is something fundamentally wrong about you. Tip the scales by noticing positives in yourself and around your life — an exercise both in mindfulness and resilience. Make it a daily habit to think of three good things that happened to you. And instead of catastrophizing, think, “What could go right?”

The content for this article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts webinar titled, “RSD Toolkit: Strategies for Managing Your Sensitivities in Real Time” [Video Replay & Podcast #476] with Sharon Saline, Psy.D. which was broadcast on October 19, 2023.

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It begins in childhood and gains momentum through adulthood: the constant negativity and criticism from educators, parents, coaches, partners, colleagues, and others who fail to truly understand ADHD. Over time, that negativity turns into self-doubt, procrastination, and perfectionism — manifestations of a lifetime worth of feeling you’re not measuring up.

When we understand the impact of low self-esteem, and how it fuels procrastination, people-pleasing, and perfectionism, we can begin to counteract these behaviors with liberating solutions for a stronger, healthier self-image.

Join ADHD Productivity Coach Alan P. Brown, creator of the award-winning ADD Crusher™ ‘virtual coach’ video and audio program, for a candid presentation on how to overcome self-defeating behaviors.

In this webinar, you will:

• Understand the many reasons for why people with ADHD have low self-esteem, from our DNA to our childhood experiences to events in our adult life
• Learn why adults with ADHD are more likely than their neurotypical peers to struggle with the serious consequences of a poor self-image, including perfectionism, people-pleasing, and productivity
• Learn simple ways to begin chipping away at negative self-beliefs and strengthen self-image and confidence
• Learn how to let go of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and procrastination to get things done

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

ADHD and Self Esteem: Resources

• Free Download: Social Anxiety Facts and Falsehoods
• Read: 25 Positive Affirmations That Uplift ADHD Brains
• Read: “What Happens When We Begin Logging Tiny Wins”
• Read: “Self-Sabotage and ADHD: Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?
  
  

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Meet the Expert Speaker

Alan P. Brown, is an ADHD coach and author. He created the award-winning ADD Crusher™ video program for ADHD teens/adults. Undiagnosed for decades, his untreated ADHD manifested in underachievement, substance abuse, and worse. Once diagnosed, he found it difficult to learn coping strategies from books, so he researched his own evidence-based “brain hack” strategies to fuel a successful advertising career and two start-ups. A featured conference presenter internationally and a TEDx speaker, he’s the #1 best-selling author of Zen and the Art of Productivity. (#CommissionsEarned) Get his eBook, “5 Things We’re Doing Every Day that Make Our ADHD Worse” at www.ADDCrusher.com.

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Self-compassion improves emotional regulation skills and reduces the impact of adverse childhood experiences (ACEs) and ADHD symptoms, suggests a new study published in the Journal of Attention Disorders.¹ The researchers recommend integrating self-compassion practices into therapeutic treatments for individuals with ADHD who have experienced trauma.

Greater exposure to ACEs increases the likelihood of developing ADHD symptoms and emotional regulation challenges, while decreasing self-compassion in young adults, according to the study. These findings align with previous research showing that individuals who experience four or more ACEs — including emotional abuse, physical neglect, domestic violence, substance abuse, parental separation, and incarceration of a family member — before age 18 have a relatively higher rate and severity of ADHD symptoms and emotional dysregulation in adulthood.^{2, 3} ACEs also increase the risk of comorbidities, such as anxiety, depression, and substance use, which could obscure or intensify ADHD symptoms.

“The relationship between ACEs and ADHD symptoms is partly explained by increased emotional reactivity and difficulties in stress regulation that result from early adversity,” the researchers wrote. “ACEs often disrupt emotional development by overwhelming a child’s capacity to manage stress, leading to long-term difficulties in emotional regulation, such as heightened emotional reactivity or emotional numbing.”

The researchers analyzed questionnaires on self-compassion and emotional regulation completed by 442 college students aged 18 to 29 from Turkey who also filled out the ACEs Checklist. Roughly 76% of the participants reported one or more ACEs, with about 27% reporting four or more; 4% reported receiving an ADHD diagnosis.

What helps individuals manage their emotions and reframe the impact of ACEs, according to the study? Self-compassion.

“Self-compassion fosters a growth mindset, enabling individuals to view setbacks and opportunities for learning and personal growth,” the researchers wrote. “This positive self-regard builds inner strength and helps individuals cope with difficulties in a calm manner; individuals with higher levels of self-compassion can constructively process childhood adversities. This improves emotional regulation techniques and reduces ADHD-related impairments.”

Further, the study shows that individuals high in self-compassion are more likely to engage in adaptive coping strategies and less likely to engage in self-criticism and negative self-talk, or in maladaptive coping strategies, such as suppression, which can lead to feelings of shame, guilt, and inadequacy.

What Is Self-Compassion?

“Self-compassion allows you to be good enough as you are — with your warts and your foibles,” says Sharon Saline, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist. “Sometimes you may be off-balanced, sometimes more reactive than you’d like, sometimes disorganized, but, fundamentally, you are perfectly imperfect as a human being, just like everyone else.”

The practice of self-compassion encompasses three elements:

1. Self-kindness means treating oneself with care and understanding during times of pain or failure, instead of harsh self-criticism. It requires accepting one’s humanity and flaws rather than comparing or evaluating oneself to others.
2. Common humanity recognizes personal challenges as a part of the shared human experience; everyone experiences difficulties.
3. Balanced awareness identifies and analyzes uncomfortable and painful thoughts and feelings; mindfulness prevents the individual from getting consumed by them.

The researchers recommend integrating self-compassion practices into the following interventions:

• Mindfulness and emotional regulation training that fosters resilience
• Trauma-informed approaches in educational and practical settings to help identify and support individuals at risk for ADHD symptoms resulting from ACEs
• Acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT) to support and develop adaptive coping mechanisms in individuals with a history of ACEs

“Future longitudinal studies will also provide a clearer understanding of how ACEs, self-compassion, and emotion regulation interact over time to influence ADHD symptoms,” they wrote.

How to Practice Self-Compassion

According to Mark Bertin, M.D., a developmental pediatrician in Pleasantville, New York, the idea of self-compassion is straightforward. “Self-compassion is a reality-based antidote for self-criticism and perfectionism,” he says. “We learn to value self-improvement and take responsibility for mistakes, but without inner heckling. Self-compassion helps us realize that self-image and self-doubt are not hardwired mental traits but habits that can change.”

Pushing back against the voice of self-criticism helps individuals focus on better intentions. “Without striving to make anything magical happen, we remind ourselves how we would treat a friend in the same situation,” Bertin says.

To practice self-compassion through mindfulness, Bertin recommends setting a timer for 5 to 15 minutes and following these instructions:

1. Start by sitting or lying down in a comfortable posture. Close your eyes or shift your gaze to something non-distracting.
2. Take a few deep breaths. Gather your attention, which may be caught up in self-recrimination, fear, joy, worries, or distractions. For now, focus on the movement of your body with each full breath.
3. With each inhalation, observe it all. You might say to yourself, “This is what my experience is right now,” or “This is how it feels, for better or worse.” Then consider, “Everyone has moments like this.”
4. With each exhalation, set an intention. “May I find strength and kindness for myself right now.” Use any phrase that feels natural, or something you would say to comfort a friend.
5. Don’t be discouraged by distractions. You will get distracted almost immediately. That’s what the mind does. Treat that distraction as a neutral force — it happens, no need for frustration, come back to take the next breath.

Continue in this way for a few breaths or until your timer goes off.

Sources

¹Karaçul, F. E., & Arslan, G. (2025). Adverse childhood experiences and ADHD in college students: exploring the role of emotion regulation and self-compassion. Journal of Attention Disorders. https://doi.org/10.1177/10870547251370427

²Brown N.M., Brown S.N., Briggs R.D., Germán M., Belamarich P.F., Oyeku S.O. (2017). Associations between adverse childhood experiences and ADHD diagnosis and severity. Academic Pediatrics. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.acap.2016.08.013

³Naeem S., Graebe M. (2023). Exploring the link between adverse childhood experiences and ADHD in adults: A perspective from the University of Kentucky. Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1016/J.JAAC.2023.09.460