“Arguing with a Defiant Teen Won’t Help. Instead, Try Collaborative Conversations.”
“Instead of reacting with anger, try initiating collaborative conversations with your defiant teen before and after they exhibit oppositional behavior… You’re not handing over the reins: you’re negotiating solutions together to secure their buy-in.”
Defiance in teens is rarely inexplicable. Maybe they feel disconnected from their relationships or environment. Perhaps they lack self-confidence or emotional and impulse control. They may be curious or seeking peer acceptance — or they want to see how far they can push the rules.
Instead of reacting with anger, try initiating collaborative conversations with your defiant teen before and after they exhibit oppositional behavior. Look at what’s happening in their lives and what you can do to support them more effectively. Together, forge agreements that clearly reflect your values and clarify your expectations. Then, before you define logical consequences for breaking any of these, talk with your teen about their ideas. You’re not handing over the reins: you’re negotiating solutions together to secure their buy-in.
The following examples illustrate how these conversations work.
Scenario 1: You Catch Your Teen Lying
Lying isn’t always an act of defiance. A teen may feel uncomfortable or ashamed about what they did (or didn’t do), and lying is a way to (briefly) reduce conflict and stress. They may mix up or misinterpret the facts, believing the lie to be true, or they may become so overwhelmed and flustered that they impulsively say the first thing that comes to mind.
[Get This Free Download: Ending Confrontations and Defiance]
Give them a chance to fess up. Listen and reflect on what you hear. Say, “You remember this one way. I remember something else. How are we going to move forward?”
If you had already established agreements about dishonesty, reference them. For example, “We agreed that the logical consequence for lying is not going out with friends over the weekend.”
Scenario 2: Your Teen Dodges Accountability
Stick to the facts. Share your observations about your child’s actions in a matter-of-fact way. Say, “Here’s the behavior I observed and what it is showing me. Here’s what I feel we’re fighting about.” Then, ask your teen to share their observations. You may need to agree to disagree on certain points, and that’s okay.
Scenario 3: Your Teen Erupts in Emotion
Ask your teen how they know they’re getting emotionally dysregulated — What are the physical signs? What helps them settle down? (If they don’t have any ideas, brainstorm some.) Then ask, “What do you want me to do if you refuse to do the things that you’re telling me help you?”
Teens are more likely to work with you when they have input and feel heard.
Collaborative Conversations with Defiant Teens: Next Steps
- Free Download: Why Is My Child So Defiant?
- Free Self-Test: Does My Child Have Oppositional Defiant Disorder?
- Read: The Key to ADHD Emotional Regulation? Cultivating Gratitude, Pride & Compassion
- Watch: “Beyond Rewards & Consequences: A Better Parenting Strategy for Teens with ADHD and ODD”
Sharon Saline, Psy.D., is a clinical psychologist and author.
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