Oppositional Behavior

Your Emotionally Reactive Child Needs Empathy — Not Punishment

When power struggles strain your relationship, defuse the emotional reactivity by staying calm, demonstrating empathy, and following prompts. Here’s how.

By Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D. Updated on February 11, 2026
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Empathy is the emotional glue that binds all relationships. I’ve never had an adult client come into my office and say, “My parents took too much time to truly listen to me. That really messed up my childhood.”

When children refuse and resist, responding with empathy feels unnatural. After all, defiant children are argumentative. They have a short fuse. They are emotionally reactive. They resent parental directives and defy them boldly. Over time, they become conditioned to engage in power struggles. Punishment becomes counterproductive.

This is when empathy is difficult to muster — and necessary.

Identifying Underlying Problems

The defiant children with whom I’ve worked all seem to share some common characteristics. They have lower self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and they often have coexisting conditions, including ADHD, depression, and anxiety.

As parents, we must understand when defiance is a sign that our children are having a hard time. We must pause and ask ourselves, Are they struggling with something in this moment? Whether it’s arriving late for school or missing assignments, they’re choosing not to behave in an acceptable way. For children with ADHD, such behaviors often stem from deeper difficulties.

Some of my young clients believe and share these cognitive distortions:

  • “Nothing is fair.”
  • “Everything sucks.”
  • “No one should tell me what to do.”
  • “I know better than you.”
  • “It’s your fault.”
  • “You’re ruining my life.”

[Free Download: 10 Ways to Neutralize Your Child’s Anger]

One of the most striking things I see with defiant children is a limited ability to self-soothe. And being able to calm yourself and solve problems are the two most important skills for life.

I work 13 miles away from a prison. There are a lot of guys there, perhaps some with ADHD, who probably wish they could go back and redo one critical moment in their lives. Maybe they wish they’d taken 30 more seconds, or just 15 more seconds, to work on calming down or problem-solving before acting. It’s that big of a deal.

Easing Emotional Reactivity

Defiant children often get very wound up and struggle to problem-solve when they’re upset. They have problematic interactions with adults, and they believe they’re not understood by their parents and teachers. That’s why it’s so important to lean into empathy when we’re trying to connect with our defiant children, whatever their age.

When you interact in a calm, firm, non-controlling way — keeping in mind that no one likes to be told what to do, especially a defiant kid —it helps bypass emotional reactivity. You might use a prompt like this for a school-related problem:

Prompts for Parents

  • Parent: “I understand from talking to your teacher that your comment to Ben was seen as a threat. Help me understand what you were thinking so we can better understand each other.”

[Free Self-Test: Does My Child Have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)?]

In a scenario involving a child’s anger about something unknown, this script might help:

  • Parent: “It looks like you’re really angry. I’m here to listen.”
  • Your child: “You don’t ever listen. I hate you.”
  • Parent: “I get it. I hear that you’re really frustrated.”

If your child revs up, your job is to stay calm.

  • Parent: “Would you agree that a calm, constructive conversation is probably going to help both of us? I’m hoping we can make progress on managing this so that I can try to help you even more.”

Model appropriate behavior when you’re both frustrated.

  • Parent: “Sarah, there’s a part of me right now that wants to yell or ground you, but I don’t think that’s going to help you or me. How about we take a break?”

Whatever the situation, try this to remain calm: Picture yourself up on the ceiling, looking down at these interactions from the perspective of an emotion-regulation coach. This shift in mindset helps to avoid potential power struggles.

Emotional Regulation Strategies for Children

Try the following techniques to help your child manage their emotions.

  • Gamefy it. When we engage children physically with a mind-body connection, we make them more aware. Try this game: Challenge your child to imagine squeezing the juice out of a lemon that has a hole in the bottom. Ask them to describe how their hand, wrist, and arm feel when they get tight and tense, and how their whole body follows. When they learn to tighten and relax, they will be able to identify those different states.
  • Appreciate compromise. The ideas of winning and fairness are big. Have conversations with your child to help them see that compromise is a form of winning and a way to connect with others.
  • Breathe deeply. Diaphragmatic breathing is very important. These belly breaths expand our diaphragm, which stimulates our vagus nerve and sends a signal to help reboot our reactive brain.
  • Unmask anger. We tend to see anger as problematic without understanding that it’s a signal. Look underneath the surface of this emotion for sadness, shame, frustration, and/or anxiety. In the moment, kids can pause to unmask their anger by using a safe word or phrase. I’ve had kids say “grapefruit” or “banana” when they’re frustrated. Then take a break in a designated area of the house or at school.
  • Avoid using negative labels. Your child is feeling troubled and missing a sense of purpose. They’re not lacking remorse; they’re feeling unsafe. They’re not insensitive or apathetic; their defenses are up right now, and that wall is getting in the way. It’s hard to imagine that any child or teen wakes up and says, “How can I deliberately sabotage my life and create more pain to further my life’s mission of suffering?” When you put it in that context, it puts your child’s signs of struggle in perspective.

Defiance Can Mask Depression

Aggression sometimes overshadows depression. Some kids with depression are irritable. They have attitude, and that’s what drives their defiant behavior. Anxiety is also a common, and often hidden, driver of defiant behavior. When kids feel anxious, they may lash out in a fight-or-flight response, especially if they don’t have the language or skills to express their fears. I’ve seen kids lash out and then later talk to me about how scared or ashamed they felt in that moment, how they felt backed into a corner, and how their fears overtook them.

In homes besieged by defiance and emotional reactivity, everybody’s so beaten up and worn down that they see nothing but problems. Parents and kids anticipate them. But as we look for wins and praise our children for what they do well, positivity starts to crowd out the negative behaviors. Verbal praise, spoken from the heart, is one of the best rewards a child can receive.

[Get This Free Download: Ending Confrontations and Defiance]

When you feel locked in the lane of “frustrated parent,” switch over to being the emotion-regulation coach. Be encouraging, keep innovating, and build on your successes.

Caregiver Strategies for Defiant Behavior

Behavioral disorders are more common and more disruptive in ADHD families than they are in neurotypical households. When children with ADHD have co-occurring oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder, relationships with family members can suffer. Defiant behavior may manifest as a child easily (and frequently) losing their temper, arguing with adults over rules, or acting out violently.

In a recent survey, ADDitude asked its readers whether their children with ADHD displayed defiant behaviors and, if so, how those behaviors affected the household. Caregivers shared their perspectives and how they are managing.

“Every day, every request is a battle. ”Any simple request, such as ‘Please brush your teeth’ or ‘Let’s finish your homework,’ turns into a fight. We are all on edge and really dread homework time, dinner time, and bedtime.”

“Having a child with ADHD often comes with some oppositional defiance. Things can be going smoothly, and then, out of nowhere, something that seems minor to you can trigger a reaction, ”setting off a chain of events.”

“It takes a log of mental energy to get through the days, especially when you also have ADHD and emotional dysregulation. Your other kids suffer because you are always focused on getting the child with ADHD through the day. My daughter is nearly 18, and I think we are slowly coming out the other side. It isn’t a straight path, and we have tried many different things – different schools, sports, medications, psychiatrists, psychologists. You just have to hold on for the ride and get through each day.” ”

“Both of my kids who have ADHD appear defiant when they are anxious and trying to control the situation ”or when they feel overwhelmed. In those circumstances, they return a reflexive ‘no’ to every question before they have the chance to think about it.

“Telling them to do something will never result in it getting done. You need to gently ask ”and convince them to do it.”

“Almost every time I ask my son to do something, even if it is something he likes or a simple request, he instinctively says ‘no.’ It took a while, but I realized I could wait a few minutes for him actually to process what I said, and then gently repeat my request. When given the time to mentally process and transition, he usually has no problem complying with a request.”

Emotional Reactivity in a Defiant Child: Next Steps

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author of several books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

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