It’s Not People-Pleasing. It’s Self-Abandonment.
Answer one powerful question to help you stop under-valuing yourself.
People pleasing is not a virtue. It’s not altruistic and selfless to prioritize others’ needs over our own. It’s an insidious and self-sabotaging habit, especially for those of us living with ADHD who feel like we’re constantly letting people down and, therefore, must do more, more, more.
But people pleasing, as I and others with ADHD know, often results in little more than broken promises — to others, and to ourselves. People-pleasing behaviors like failing to set boundaries, readily assuming blame, and being overly agreeable for validation’s sake lead to unmet goals, dissatisfaction, burnout, and resentment.
What finally helped me address people-pleasing behaviors was a powerful reframe: I’m not pleasing people; I’m abandoning myself.
[Read: Self-Sabotage and ADHD — Are You Your Own Worst Enemy?]
It hit hard when I thought of how many times I’ve abandoned myself across my life, but I let this realization propel me to do better for myself.
How to Stop Abandoning Yourself
It takes time to unlearn people-pleasing tendencies. Start by asking yourself one question the next time you face a potential commitment: Does the activity nurture or drain my energy?
Depersonalize your response and try not to assign morality to the situation. Say your child’s school asks for volunteers to organize a bake sale. Instead of thinking, “I should volunteer because that’s what good parents do,” think of what it would require of you. Would you be able to volunteer and preserve enough energy to attend to your and your family’s needs at home?
As you set a boundary, remember that you can attend to activities in ways that meet your energy needs and values. The bake sale may be draining this time, but perhaps you can donate a store-brought treat to the event.
People Pleasing and ADHD: Next Steps
- Read: You Are Enough — How to Counteract ADHD Imposter Syndrome
- Read: When Perfectionism Stems from ADHD
- Read: 7 Self-Defeating Behaviors That Aggravate ADHD
This article was derived from the ADDitude ADHD Experts Webinar, “How to Accomplish Your 2026 Goals — One Day at a Time” with Caren Magill. Caren is an ADHD coach, entrepreneur, and YouTube creator.
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