“If I have too many things on my mind, such as the dishes need washing and the floors need cleaning, it is difficult to focus on feeling good and being present in the moment. Sex becomes another chore rather than a point of connection.” — Crystal, Kansas
“I experienced issues with focusing at the moment of ‘the deed.’ The main issue I struggle with sometimes is getting bored before the other person has reached the finish line.” — Georgina, Uruguay
“Sex is one of the times I have task paralysis — not that it is a task, but it's really hard to warm up to it without getting distracted or bored easily.” — An ADDitude reader
“My challenge is always being stuck ‘in my head.’ To be intimate. you have to be present and being present is a constant struggle.” — Tony, Oregon
“I am not able to get ‘locked in’ or in sync with partners, which results in intense shame and embarrassment.” — An ADDitude reader
“I have a difficult time tuning out stimuli and keeping my thoughts ‘in the moment,’ making it difficult to enjoy intimacy.” — Kelly, Massachusetts
2 of 8
Challenge 2: Rejection Sensitivity
“I have a very high libido and I struggled for a long time with rejection around intimacy. Every time I was turned down, I thought it was a direct rejection of me, which caused issues in the relationship. I have worked a lot on it and have come up with strategies with my partner so we find ways to still connect with each other even if my partner isn't feeling up to intimacy.” — Daryl, Canada
“Anxiety and RSD impacted my sexual performance. Dialectical Behavior Therapy and medication has helped me communicate effectively.” — An ADDitude reader
“I feel rejection easily and deeply. I always questioned how into me my husband was — or is.” — An ADDitude reader
3 of 8
Challenge 3: Anxiety or Pressure
“I want to be more sexually intimate, but I freeze up when it's time to actually participate. Luckily, my girlfriend has been very understanding while I work on dismantling the block, but it is still very much an obstacle.” — Andi, Canada
“It’s a downward spiral: ADHD with RSD with aging and the onset of erectile dysfunction (ED). Then reactivity to the ED causes sexual anxiety, then perception of spouse disappointment and loss of concept of masculinity leads to avoidance of sex, then spouses grow apart.” — An ADDitude reader
“It seems whatever stage of my life I’m in, intimacy is weird and awkward.” — Yolanda, New Jersey
4 of 8
Challenge 4: Sensory Sensitivities
“I do not like touching, hugging, or much contact in general. My husband feels rejected (of course he does). I work with it, but it feels like I am doing something not very natural for me.” — Step, Norway
“I didn't want to be touched, even just a hand on the shoulder. I thought of it as having ‘my dance space’ and my partner having their space, and these spaces didn’t intersect or overlap. Being diagnosed with ADHD and then ASD really helps me to understand why I felt I was being smothered.” — Cori, Washington
“It’s hard to shut off all other senses but one. I become overwhelmed so I don’t want to be intimate, which makes the other partner feel unloved or not accepted.” — Cassi, Kansas
“I have been with my husband for 26 years. Most of that time we have been aligned despite the fact that our love life has ebbed and flowed. If my husband suddenly reaches out to me, I can get a jolt through my body, like a shock. I can also have a mental block to starting, but we know each other well and can get around it because he is thoughtful and not offended.” — Jessica
5 of 8
Challenge 5: Tough Transitions
“I have such a hard time transitioning to intimacy after a long work day, or anything that has taken my undivided attention for a significant amount of time. I need time to process and relax before doing anything intimate.” — Brooke, Utah
“I find if my partner initiates while I'm over stimulated, I just kind of freeze. I want to reciprocate, but I need time to transition and focus.” — An ADDitude reader
“Being surprised by something new. I don't like surprises, so 'no' was always my first response. Being able to discuss this in a rational and non-sexual way after the fact with a partner that is willing to hear me is the only way I have been able to overcome these issues.” — Deborah, Australia
“Being completely wiped out by the end of the day from overstimulation and not having enough left in the tank to be intimate.” — Amanda, New York
6 of 8
Challenge 6: Mismatch with Partner’s Needs
“I feel like this might be my most challenging struggle as an adult. I don't want to make my partner feel unwanted but the reality is that I want to be intimate one or two times a month and that doesn't match my partners’ hopes, needs, and expectations. It's a stressor.” — Eleanor, Illinois
“My partner and I have had to work through a lot of issues with the timing of intimacy. Our internal clocks are on separate time frames.” —Polly, California
“I've always had intimacy issues with my husband of 37 years (also ADHD) where he wants more intimacy and I need less.” — Tonya, Texas
“The root of the problem is disparity in the need for intimacy, which often turns intimacy into a weapon to be used against the partner who has more of a need. Withholding intimacy or affection often triggers RSD which can start an ADHD spiral. It has ruined several relationships.” — John, Florida
7 of 8
Challenge 7: Difficulty with Vulnerability
“I have difficulty sharing my feelings in the moment, so it's hard to be honest about what I like or dislike. Connection and communication are a constant struggle. Having a couples’ therapist has helped immensely with awareness of the patterns that I fall into by default.” — Kristine, Texas
“I used to not enjoy sex as much, but my partner (also ADHD) worked on putting more effort in pleasing me, after which sex improved dramatically and I was able to be more vulnerable. I don't think I have issues with connection and vulnerability now, but still try to explain the importance of foreplay to my partner.” — An ADDitude reader
“I find it hard to 'read' people; I never realize if someone is attracted to me. I am never vulnerable and I do not like being touched, which doesn't help. Alcohol helps to relax this. I haven't found anything else since my recent diagnosis.” — Kathryn, Wales
“It's hard to start an intimate moment or engage in one without joking.” — Mark, Michigan
8 of 8
Challenge 8: Past Trauma
“A combination of child sexual abuse and undiagnosed ADHD and autism led to a wall around feeling, only reinforced by my first love cheating on me. It's been tricky, often not liking being touched, let alone caressed, afraid to express what I'm feeling, vulnerable to RSD, needing alone time to decompress. It's been incrementally easier since diagnosis at 52, with a ton of CBT, DBT, trauma therapy, and mindfulness.” — Roderick, Australia
“Prior to ADHD medication, I would need to be intoxicated because of issues with physical intimacy, guilt, feeling disgusting after intercourse, and feeling uncomfortable being naked. I have a history of BPD, complex childhood PTSD, inappropriate childhood sexual experiences and use of my body to get attention as an adolescent. I have battled with this my entire life but talking with a therapist for 10 years has helped me get a bit better.” — Rochell, Australia
SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.
Physical intimacy can be intimidating, or boring, or overwhelming, or all of this and more for people with ADHD. Nearly 8 out of 10 respondents in a recent ADDitude survey reported experiencing problems with sex or physical intimacy in their romantic relationships.
“After a long day, my mind is racing with thoughts, which means that I often cannot calm down enough to let intimacy get to me,” says Nathaly, an ADDitude reader in Germany with ADHD. “Then I feel guilty. I have a timer in my head that tells me how long it’s been since the last time we were intimate, which makes the pressure worse.”
Scores of readers shared similar stories of struggling to manage distractions, sensory overwhelm, rejection sensitivity, and anxiety, which often led to shame, guilt, or relationship challenges. Readers shared solutions, too, which frequently involved ADHD diagnosis and treatment as well as a concerted effort to improve communication, often with the help of couples therapy.
“We have started to slowly resolve this issue,” Nathaly explained. “When we want to be intimate, we make sure that I have time to calm down first, put on some relaxing music, or take a long shower. Then I am usually more relaxed and open to intimacy.”
Here, readers share the ways ADHD complicates their experience of sex and impart strategies that may help.
