The High Cost of Keeping the Peace
When caregivers struggle to set age-appropriate expectations for their children, emotional and behavioral problems mount.
Bryce, 15, expects his mother, Renee, to drive him to school each day. But when Renee tries to talk with him in the car, Bryce tells her to “shut the F up.” Renee says she tolerates this disrespect because she fears Bryce won’t want a relationship with her when he’s older if they are always fighting.
Andrew, 10, becomes physically aggressive and destroys things at home when he doesn’t get his way. His parents seldom hold him accountable because they believe he’s incapable of consistent self-regulation, even though this behavior is not exhibited in school or elsewhere.
Bella, 8, threatens to hurt herself when her parents try to limit her screen time. They give in and allow excessive screen use, even canceling family plans, because they fear she might follow through.
[Read: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone — What Type of Parent Are You?]
These aren’t illustrations of “bad parenting.” Instead, they’re examples of parental empathy dysregulation, a pattern in which the parent-child hierarchy is turned upside down. Children, through their behaviors, control their parents. This typically happens when parents believe their child is too emotionally fragile to handle limits or age-appropriate expectations, so they tolerate and accommodate problematic behaviors.
Parental Accommodation Leads to Escalating Behaviors
Many parents of children with ADHD have been misled to believe that using an authoritative parenting approach (love and empathy combined with clear limits) will somehow harm the parent-child relationship. Some caregivers cannot tolerate their child feeling temporarily upset with them. Others fear the fallout from their child’s emotional dysregulation or believe their child’s life is too hard already.
Research shows that accommodating a child’s emotional reactions increases emotional and behavioral problems. Those behaviors intensify when children learn that distress or threats lead to getting what they want. In some families, this escalates into what I call severe tyrannical behaviors: property destruction, child-to-parent or child-to-sibling violence, or threats of self-harm. The child learns to use these behaviors to control the home, and the longer they go unaddressed, the more normalized they become.
[Read: 19 Authoritative Parenting Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children]
From Emotional Reactivity to Parental Proactivity
The good news is that this cycle can be broken. The first step is to help parents view their child as capable and not fragile. Kids with ADHD can handle limits and meet expectations, especially when those expectations are clear and consistent. Discomfort is part of growth, and all feelings are temporary.
I teach a protocol to help parents proactively manage emotional dysregulation when the child is not getting their way. This includes:
- Not giving attention or emotional reactivity to negative behaviors
- Recognizing desired behaviors
- Taking a firm stance against poor treatment of family members or other behaviors that cause family stress
I also teach parents how to change their responses to their child’s behaviors. This includes shifting parents’ expectations so that screen time, expensive items, and privileges are treated not as entitlements but earned, and enlisting trusted adults to check in with the child during challenging moments, The aim is not to punish, but to say, “I know what’s going on. I care about you. What can I do to help?”
In many families of children with ADHD, a child’s behavior is dealt with reactively (threats of punishment, for example) instead of proactively. No daily expectations, such as helping around the house or treating family members with respect, are implemented. This does not teach a child that they are accountable for their choices. What does? Setting age-appropriate, achievable daily expectations, which helps kids feel emotionally safe, knowing their caregivers are in charge.
Reclaiming parental authority isn’t harsh. In fact, it’s the most compassionate thing a parent can do to help their child discover how capable they truly are.
Permissive vs. Authoritative Parenting: Next Steps
- Watch: “Don’t Tell Me What to Do: Pathological Demand Avoidance in Neurodivergent Kids”
- Read: “A Day in the Life of My Defiant Child”
- Free Download:Â Why Is My Child So Defiant?
Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the father of a son with ADHD and learning differences. He is the creator of ADHD Dude, which provides parent behavior training.
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