Your Positive Parenting Toolkit Has Arrived
Moms and dads with ADHD rank the strategies that work best to improve their kids’ behavior, from sharing special time to giving effective commends.
Standard-issue, off-the-shelf parenting tools are woefully inadequate for the work you’re doing to address your child’s ADHD-fueled behavior problems. For this job, you need individualized tools. Also, what works for you may be ineffective for your co-parent and vice versa.
My colleagues and I conducted research on whether moms and dads with ADHD differed in the behavioral parenting skills they found to be the most helpful for their kids, ages three to eight, who also have ADHD. Here’s what they told us.
Special Time: #1 by Dads (#2 by Moms)
“Special time” means 5 to 10 minutes of a parent’s undivided attention – daily time dedicated to following their child’s lead in a play activity like building blocks, kicking a soccer ball around, or making jewelry. It is intended to strengthen the parent-child relationship with positivity. The parents who use it successfully follow these rules:
- DON’T give directions. (“Move your chess piece to this square.”)
- DO follow your child’s lead, describing their actions. (“You’re making a row of red LEGO’s.”)
- DON’T ask questions. (“What are you going to do with that piece?”)
- DO praise positive behaviors. (“I love how gently you’re handling the tea set.”)
- DON’T correct or criticize. (“You’re pressing too hard on the marker.”)
- DO ignore minor misbehaviors.
[Watch: “A Parenting Toolkit for Moms and Dads with ADHD”]
Praise: #1 by Moms (#2 by Dads)
When parents comment on a behavior – whether positive or negative – the odds of it continuing increase exponentially. When kids are consistently impulsive, forgetful, or disorganized, these negative behaviors tend to get all the attention. Try to catch your child being good, then offer praise that follows these guidelines:
- Be specific. Describe in detail the behavior you witnessed: “Great job sharing that brownie with your brother.”
- Praise progress and effort. Even if the behavior isn’t perfect, praise attempts or improvement. “Good job reading your book for five minutes longer than yesterday!”
- Compliment what they do correctly. If your child is a chronic interrupter, notice when they succeed in waiting to speak “I love how you waited quietly while I finished talking to Mom.”
[Read: Positive Charge – How to Reinforce Good Behavior]
Effective Commands & House Rules: #3 by Moms
It’s tough to follow directions when ADHD is impairing your task initiation, working memory, attention, and self-control. As a result, parents do too much reminding and nagging – unpleasant habits for all. Instead, follow these steps for giving effective commands:
Capture your child’s attention first.
- Instead of yelling from a different room
- Approach them and make eye contact.
Don’t ask questions.
- Instead of saying, “Can you take out your homework folder?”
- State directly, “Take out your homework folder, please.”
Stick to clear, one-step commands for younger children:.
- Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed” or “Put on your pajamas, brush your teeth, and get into bed.”
- Say, “Please put on your clean pajamas.”
Be judicious with instructions.
- Instead of shooting off commands as needs pop up.
- Give commands only when the task is important enough to follow with praise or consequences.
Establish your house rules and expectations around a few unwelcome behaviors, like hitting or cursing. Discuss these at a family meeting, then write them down and hang up the list. If your child breaks a rule in the first week, simply point it out. After one week, follow through with a consequence. And, of course, lavish your kids with praise when they follow the rules.
Structure and Routines: #3 by Dads
Clear and predictable routines are key for every ADHD family, but multi-step routines take time and care to solidify. Jumpstart yours with these guidelines:
- Focus on one routine at a time. Choose the time of day that’s proving most challenging and break that routine into a step-by-step checklist. Write the list out and post it for ready reference.
- Praise your children as they complete each step. Consider a small reward each time they finish the routine, especially if they’re able to do it independently.
Active Ignoring: #4 by Dads
Your attention feeds a behavior; your withheld attention extinguishes that behavior, in time. This is the idea behind active ignoring, or responding to minor misbehaviors by doing the following:
- Looking away
- Keeping a neutral face
- Not talking about the behavior
Be ready to return the attention (with praise) as soon as your child shifts to positive behavior. For example, if your child is tugging on your sleeve and then stops, even for a second, immediately say: “Great job keeping your hands by your side.”
Be prepared for the behavior to get worse before it gets better. Don’t give up on this strategy after the first escalation. And keep in mind that this only applies to minor issues, not serious or aggressive behavior that requires immediate action.
Time Out and Privilege Removal: #4 by Moms
Timeout and removal of privileges can be helpful when children have to do something, like clean up their toys or get ready for bed. The model for a timeout is this:
- Green light: Give an effective command (“Please go brush your teeth”). Count backward from five.
- Yellow light: If the child hasn’t complied after the countdown, remind them of the consequence (“If you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll go to timeout”), then count down from five again.
- Red light: If the child still hasn’t complied, enforce the consequence. (“Because you didn’t brush your teeth, you have to go to timeout.”)
Follow through consistently – and stay calm. If you’re feeling dysregulated, use one of these strategies:
- Use positive self-talk. (“I’m helping my child learn how to listen. I can do hard things.”)
- Take deep breaths to quiet your nervous system.
- Walk away until you’re calmer, then return to finish timeout or to remove privileges.
Positive Parenting Solutions for ADHD Kids: Next Steps
- Watch: A Practical Guide to Positive Parenting
- Read: The Power of Validation to Soothe Supersensors
- Read: A Survival Guide for Parents with ADHD – Strategies from Preschool to High School
Christina Danko, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and associate clinical professor at the University of Maryland, College Park, and a faculty affiliate of the UMD ADHD Program.
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