Excessive screen time and social media use exacerbate ADHD symptoms and may impact brain development in children with the condition, according to two new studies.

Social media (e.g., Snapchat or Instagram) use gradually increases symptoms of inattention in children with ADHD, with a cumulative four-year effect, a new study published in Pediatrics Open Science found. ADHD symptoms alone, however, did not predict a rise in social media use. Further, playing video games or watching television and videos did not increase the risk of developing ADHD symptoms. The study found the opposite: Children who played video games or watched television and videos experienced reduced hyperactivity and impulsivity. ¹

“We can only speculate about the mechanisms underlying the association between social media use and increased inattention symptoms,” the researchers wrote. “Social media platforms often involve constant messaging and notifications, which can disrupt attention and interfere with current activities. Experimental studies have shown that such interruptions, or even the mere presence of a mobile phone nearby without using it, can impair attention and learning on psychological tests.” ²

In contrast, cognitively engaging exercises (e.g., activities requiring strategy, coordination, and quick decision-making, such as team sports or martial arts) significantly improve sustained attention in children and adolescents with ADHD, according to a new systematic review and meta-analysis published in the Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders. ³

The Pediatrics Open Science study examined the longitudinal associations between ADHD symptoms in 8,324 children who participated in the Adolescent Brain Cognitive Development (ABCD) study and various types of digital media. The researchers tracked the children from ages 9 or 10 for 4 years.

Over that time, children spent an average of

• 3 hours/day watching television/videos
• 4 hours/ day on social media
• 5 hours/day playing video games

At age 9, children spent approximately 30 minutes per day using social media. The time spent on social media rose to 2.5 hours by age 13, despite the fact that most platforms, such as Facebook and TikTok, require users to be 13 years or older. While the yearly effect size of 0.15 is considered statistically small for a single child, it can have substantial consequences at the population level.

“Together, these results strengthen the potentially causal link between social media use and changes in inattention symptoms,” the researchers wrote.

Another recent study using advanced MRI imaging and ABCD data from more than 10,000 children in the same age range found similarly negative outcomes when examining the broader effects of screen time. The study, published in Translational Psychiatry, found an association between extended screen exposure and changes in brain structure that may exacerbate ADHD symptoms in children.⁴

The researchers observed that children with high screen use had reduced cortical thickness and volume in the right putamen, an area of the brain involved in reward processing and habit formation, as well as changes in the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in focus, emotional regulation, and decision-making. Such changes in brain structure may make it more difficult for children to pay attention and regulate their behavior, which are two prominent features of ADHD.

“Our results indicate a partial mediating effect of cortical volume in the relationship between screen time and ADHD symptoms,” the researchers wrote. “Specifically, longer screen time was associated with smaller cortical volume, which in turn was linked to more severe ADHD symptoms, suggesting that cortical volume may partially explain this association.”

At the two-year follow-up, screen time remained a significant predictor of ADHD symptoms in children, even after controlling for baseline ADHD symptoms as covariates. However, causality could not be established since the results were derived from cross-sectional analyses of the ABCD baseline data.

Social Media Risks

Both studies align with a 2023 U.S. Surgeon General advisory calling social media a “profound risk of harm” to the mental health of children and teens.

According to an ADDitude survey of 1,187 caregivers, 72% of children aged 10 and older with ADHD use social media. Of those, 35% reported adverse mental health effects, including anxiety, sadness, sleep problems, and depression. These negative outcomes are about 70% higher than those seen in adolescents who don’t use social media. In addition, 15% of adolescents with ADHD who use social media reportedly experience eating problems, and 14% have engaged in self-harm. Those numbers are much higher for girls.

“Neurodivergent people, especially those with the focus and self-regulation challenges associated with ADHD, could have a harder time regulating their emotions and unplugging from screens,” said Linda Charmaraman, Ph.D., during the ADDitude Mental Health Out Loud episode “The Mental Health Fallout from Social Media Use.”

Charmaraman recommends that caregivers talk openly with their children about their online experiences to help them become more mindful of their social media use and its effects.

“Avoid judgmental, disproportionate responses when your child comes to you with a social media-related issue,” she said. “Often, tweens and teens will keep things to themselves, afraid that their parents will tell them to deactivate their social media profiles or take away their devices altogether at the first hint of a problem. Should an issue come up, approach with curiosity and collaborate with your teen on a solution.”

Sources

¹Nivins, S., Mooney, M.A., Nigg, J., Klingberg, T. (2026). Digital media, genetics, and risk for ADHD symptoms in children: a longitudinal study. Pediatrics Open Science. https://doi.org/10.1542/pedsos.2025-000922

² Van Der Schuur, W.A., Baumgartner, S.E., Sumter, S.R., Valkenburg, P.M. (2015). The consequences of media multitasking for youth: a review Comput Human Behav. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.chb.2015.06.035

³Zhao, M., Li, J., Xu, R.H. et al. (2025). The impact of exercise interventions on sustained attention for children and adolescents with ADHD: A systematic review and meta-analysis. J Autism Dev Disord. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10803-025-07187-y

⁴Shou, Q., Yamashita, M. & Mizuno, Y. (2025). Association of screen time with attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms and their development: the mediating role of brain structure. Transl Psychiatry. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41398-025-03672-1

Chronic stress, high rates of co-occurring conditions, and unhelpful school and clinical interventions are common among individuals living with pathological demand avoidance (PDA), according to the first-ever comprehensive survey exploring the lived experience of PDA.¹ The survey found that failure to meet the needs of children and adults with PDA results in difficulties at school, at work, and in relationships, often leading to family breakdown and estrangement, school refusal, underemployment, and mental health struggles.

The 2,000 survey respondents comprised three groups: caregivers of children and teens with PDA; caregivers of adults with PDA; and adults with PDA themselves. Though the ripple effects of PDA on education, work, and family life varied across these groups, the core characteristic of PDA remained strikingly stable, with the “resistance to being told what to do” emerging as the most commonly reported trait across all groups.

For children, school was one of the realms most dramatically impacted by PDA; 88% of children with PDA experienced school avoidance or refusal at some point, and 40% struggled to attend school most days. While 70% of children with PDA had IEPs/ 504 Plans, only 17% of caregivers found these to be “very helpful.”

For adults with PDA, family life and mental health were major areas of struggle, with almost a quarter of adults with PDA, and/or their caregivers, reporting family estrangement. Nearly 60% of adults with PDA reported experiencing thoughts of suicide.

Understanding PDA

In a recent ADDitude webinar, “Don’t Tell Me What to Do: Pathological Demand Avoidance in Neurodivergent Kids,” Diane Gould, LCSW, founder and executive director of PDA North America, discussed the degree to which PDA is misunderstood. She explained that core features for children include:

• Resisting and avoiding ordinary demands of life
• Difficulty complying with the requests or rules of others
• Difficulty making themselves do the things they want to do
• A fundamental need for control

Because of this difficulty with compliance, Gould said: “PDA individuals are so often undiagnosed or misdiagnosed. Adults and teens are often misdiagnosed as having bipolar or borderline personality disorder. Children are misdiagnosed with oppositional defiant disorder or conduct disorder.”

As the report’s authors write: “PDA is not about ‘refusing to cooperate,’ but about the need for autonomy, safety and survival.”

A Dearth of Effective Interventions

This lack of awareness about PDA has resulted in a notable dearth of effective interventions.

“Across surveys, no single intervention was consistently rated as helpful, highlighting the need for better tailored approaches for PDA individuals,” write the report’s authors. Moreover, the report found that encounters with affirming, informed providers were rare, and that caregivers and adults with PDA infrequently received helpful, validating guidance. According to survey results:

• The most helpful interventions were medication management and occupational therapy
• The least helpful interventions were Applied Behavior Analysis (ABA) and emergency room visit
• 94% of caregivers reported that punishment can worsen behaviors

“Probably the hardest thing for parents to talk about was how hard they tried to follow all the advice that they were given from therapists, psychiatrists, pediatricians, teachers, and even parenting books,” Gould said. “But those strategies didn’t work, and often made things worse.”

The report’s authors explain that PDA-informed care involves “respecting autonomy at any age, reducing pressure and unnecessary demands, planning for sensory needs, and using relationship-based, responsive approaches.”

Common Co-Occurring Conditions

PDA commonly co-occurs with neuropsychiatric conditions, most frequently autism, ADHD, or both.

The Impact of PDA on Education

Chronic, severe difficulty attending school is the norm for children and teens with PDA. The survey revealed the following:

As Reported by Caregivers of Kids

• 88% of children with PDA experienced school avoidance or refusal at some point
• 4 in 10 children struggled to attend school most days
• 1 in 5 reported suspensions
• 1 in 10 was not currently accessing any education
• 70% had an IEP or 504 Plan
• Just 1 in 6 found their IEP/ 504 Plan to be “very or extremely helpful”

Despite these consistent difficulties, adults with PDA overwhelmingly report having received a high school diploma, with the majority also earning a four-year college degree.

As Reported by Adults

• 96% completed an education equivalent to a high school diploma
• 83% had a four-year college degree<

The Impact of PDA on Work

While adults with PDA struggle to attend work regularly, and experience episodes of under- or unemployment, the vast majority are employed. A high percentage of PDA adults are self-employed, which helps alleviate work-based challenges:

As Reported by Caregivers of Adults

• Two-thirds reported employment at some point
• More than half reported periods of unemployment or underemployment

As Reported by Adults

• 97% of adults reported employment at some point
• Among these, 55% had a history of self-employment
• 80% reported challenges with workplace attendance
• Two-thirds reported periods of unemployment or underemployment

The Impact of PDA on Family

Family life is strained for those with PDA, whether adults or children. This finding is vividly illustrated by Lisa McKay’s experience, as described in the ADDitude article, A Parent’s Guide to Navigating Pathological Demand Avoidance.

“During his early years, Max would frequently refuse to do what was asked of him and insist everything be done his way,” McKay writes. “He would inexplicably melt down or erupt in anger over seemingly minor issues.”

The survey measured the extent to which these areas of life are affected by PDA:

As families navigate these turbulent, murky waters, validation and accurate information about what works for PDA — and what doesn’t — is key.

“Commonly suggested behavioral strategies for neurodivergent children — from setting clear rules to using checklists, visual timers, and liberally doling out praise — didn’t help.” McKay says. “In fact, all they seemed to do was set up further power struggles where everyone lost.”

McKay’s experience is echoed over and over again by the findings of the survey. “This report makes clear that the challenges families face are not due to a lack of effort or care, but to systems that are not designed with PDA in mind,” said Ruth Hevelone, PDA North America’s director of Strategic Growth & Marketing. “When supports are aligned with how PDA is actually experienced, outcomes can change dramatically.”

Research Team Lead for the PDA report, Michele Kleinmann, added: “We hope this data helps shift conversations away from ‘fixing behavior’ and toward building environments where PDA individuals can feel safe, understood, and supported.”

Sources

¹McKenzie, M., Kleinmann, M., Hevelone, R., & Gould, D. (2026). The PDA Experience Report. PDA North America. https://learn.pdanorthamerica.org/products/digital_downloads/key-findingsPDA-Experience-Report

Andrew, 10, becomes physically aggressive and destroys things at home when he doesn’t get his way. His parents seldom hold him accountable because they believe he’s incapable of consistent self-regulation, even though this behavior is not exhibited in school or elsewhere.

Bella, 8, threatens to hurt herself when her parents try to limit her screen time. They give in and allow excessive screen use, even canceling family plans, because they fear she might follow through.

[Read: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone — What Type of Parent Are You?]

These aren’t illustrations of “bad parenting.” Instead, they’re examples of parental empathy dysregulation, a pattern in which the parent-child hierarchy is turned upside down. Children, through their behaviors, control their parents. This typically happens when parents believe their child is too emotionally fragile to handle limits or age-appropriate expectations, so they tolerate and accommodate problematic behaviors.

Parental Accommodation Leads to Escalating Behaviors

Many parents of children with ADHD have been misled to believe that using an authoritative parenting approach (love and empathy combined with clear limits) will somehow harm the parent-child relationship. Some caregivers cannot tolerate their child feeling temporarily upset with them. Others fear the fallout from their child’s emotional dysregulation or believe their child’s life is too hard already.

Research shows that accommodating a child’s emotional reactions increases emotional and behavioral problems. Those behaviors intensify when children learn that distress or threats lead to getting what they want. In some families, this escalates into what I call severe tyrannical behaviors: property destruction, child-to-parent or child-to-sibling violence, or threats of self-harm. The child learns to use these behaviors to control the home, and the longer they go unaddressed, the more normalized they become.

[Read: 19 Authoritative Parenting Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children]

From Emotional Reactivity to Parental Proactivity

The good news is that this cycle can be broken. The first step is to help parents view their child as capable and not fragile. Kids with ADHD can handle limits and meet expectations, especially when those expectations are clear and consistent. Discomfort is part of growth, and all feelings are temporary.

I teach a protocol to help parents proactively manage emotional dysregulation when the child is not getting their way. This includes:

• Not giving attention or emotional reactivity to negative behaviors
• Recognizing desired behaviors
• Taking a firm stance against poor treatment of family members or other behaviors that cause family stress

I also teach parents how to change their responses to their child’s behaviors. This includes shifting parents’ expectations so that screen time, expensive items, and privileges are treated not as entitlements but earned, and enlisting trusted adults to check in with the child during challenging moments, The aim is not to punish, but to say, “I know what’s going on. I care about you. What can I do to help?”

In many families of children with ADHD, a child’s behavior is dealt with reactively (threats of punishment, for example) instead of proactively. No daily expectations, such as helping around the house or treating family members with respect, are implemented. This does not teach a child that they are accountable for their choices. What does? Setting age-appropriate, achievable daily expectations, which helps kids feel emotionally safe, knowing their caregivers are in charge.

Reclaiming parental authority isn’t harsh. In fact, it’s the most compassionate thing a parent can do to help their child discover how capable they truly are.

Permissive vs. Authoritative Parenting: Next Steps

• Watch: “Don’t Tell Me What to Do: Pathological Demand Avoidance in Neurodivergent Kids”
• Read: “A Day in the Life of My Defiant Child”
• Free Download: Why Is My Child So Defiant?

Ryan Wexelblatt, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the father of a son with ADHD and learning differences. He is the creator of ADHD Dude, which provides parent behavior training.

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SPECIAL NOTE: Due to unforeseen circumstances, this webinar has been canceled. We will notify all registrants if Leslie Josel is able to reschedule this event.

How do we help our children and teens with ADHD take ownership of their time, tasks, and daily responsibilities—without endlessly directing, reminding, and rescuing them? How do we, as parents, step back in a way that strengthens their independence?

In this webinar, ADHD Coach Leslie Josel will show parents how to resist the temptation to jump in with solutions, and instead guide their children to create their own plans, articulate their own answers, and build the executive functioning muscles needed for independence.

She’ll explore how strengthening key executive functioning skills—planning, initiation, and future thinking—creates the foundation for sustainable habit-building and true problem solving. Leslie will also unpack why the word “problem” matters more than we think, and how its overuse can unintentionally send discouraging messages that stall growth and motivation.

Walk away with practical tools and insights that make stepping back feel purposeful and effective.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How repeatedly labeling something a “problem” can shut down a child’s problem-solving mindset — and what to say instead
• How to use future-focused, empowering verbiage to help your child strengthen initiation, awareness, and internal motivation
• About the 3-Step Habit-Building Model, a simple, brain-based framework that parents can use immediately to help their children create sustainable habits and routines
• Guided questions parents can use to spark independent thinking and reduce over-reliance on adult direction
• How to stop answering questions your child never asked and avoid unintentionally becoming the “manager” of their every move

Webinar Sponsor

Play Attention, inspired by NASA technology and backed by Tufts University research, is designed to strengthen executive function so children can build the skills that support independence, including follow through, flexible thinking, working memory, and self control. Your dedicated Focus Coach will tailor a plan for each family member. Home and professional programs are available. Take our ADHD test and schedule a free consultation to get started. www.playattention.com

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Life Skills for Teens: Resources

• • • Free Download: What Are Your Teen’s Weakest Executive Functions?
    • Read: How to Explain ADHD in Positive, Empowering Terms
    • Read: 5 Life Skills Every Young Adult with ADHD Should (Eventually) Master
    • Read: How to Steer Your Teen Without Hovering or Nagging
      
      

Meet the Expert Speaker

Leslie Josel is an award-winning ADHD student and parenting coach. She founded Order Out of Chaos, a virtual company whose mission is to help parents guide their students to success in learning and in life, when her son was first diagnosed with ADHD. She is also the creator of the award-winning Academic Planner: A Tool for Time Management®, a planner that helps students develop time management skills, and the author of three books, including How to Do it Now Because it’s Not Going Away: An Expert Guide to Getting Stuff Done. (#CommissionsEarned)
#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Certificate of Attendance: For information on how to purchase the certificate of attendance option (cost $10), register for the webinar, then look for instructions in the email you’ll receive one hour after it ends. The certificate of attendance link will also be available here, on the webinar replay page, several hours after the live webinar. ADDitude does not offer CEU credits.

Closed captions available.

This behavior may look like defiance, but I argue that it’s a sign of dopamine withdrawal. No, that’s not far-fetched. We know that short-form content — think TikTok, YouTube Shorts, Instagram Reels — is carefully engineered to activate the brain’s dopamine centers.¹ We also know that excessive consumption of short-form content is linked to poorer attention, depression, anxiety, stress, and loneliness. Difficulty disengaging and regulating emotions offline is a common result.²

It stands to reason that youth with ADHD, whose brains are wired for novelty and stimulation, and who have difficulty regulating, feel the effects of these digital dopamine hits (and withdrawals) more intensely.

📱 Read: Why Screens Mesmerize Our Teens — and How to Break the Trance

So, what can you do to release the latest brain rot’s hold over your child? Once you understand how dopamine drives your child’s reactions, the next step is to guide that chemistry instead of fight it. The strategies below will help your child regain calm and control and build healthier reward patterns.

1. The Power-Down Countdown

“Five more minutes” doesn’t mean much to ADHD brains. Visuals say a lot more. Try color-changing timers, countdown apps, or lamps that fade from green to red to signal that it’s almost time to switch away from screens. You can even turn it into a challenge: Log off before the light turns red to earn more allowance.

2. Dopamine Down Shift

Abruptly shutting off a heavy stream of dopamine destabilizes ADHD brains. Instead, move your child into a dopamine replacement activity that is short, satisfying, and active. That can be shooting a few baskets, racing around the living room, drawing for five minutes, or solving a short puzzle — anything will do, if it’s a real-world activity that reinforces to kids that stimulation is possible outside of digital realms.

3. Cool Down Bridge

To further help your child’s brain transition, try a cool down bridge — a short sensory ritual — to help soften the landing off devices. Some kids pace while listening to a favorite song, others stretch or splash cold water on their face. It doesn’t matter what the in-between activity is, only that it signals to the brain that it is time to switch gears to a calmer state.

🕹️ Read: An “Ethics Manual” for Your Teen’s Electronics

4. Collaborative Control Plans

Chances are that your teen doesn’t want to have meltdowns, either. When your child is calm, invite them to help you come up with a plan to transition away from screens and devices. Ask, “What would help you stop without becoming too upset?” or “How could we make this easier next time?” Ownership builds cooperation.

5. Dopamine Diversity Days

Make one day each week a screen-break day. Go hiking, cook together, build something, or play music. Try not to frame the day as a loss, but as something your family is gaining. Say, “We’re giving our brains a different kind of fuel today.”

6. Reclaim Dopamine Autonomy

The goal is not to eliminate games, screens, or content from your teen’s life. It is to help them understand what certain forms of content do to their brain, health, and ability to stay in control. You can appeal to your teen’s natural desire for autonomy by talking about digital tactics that are meant to hijack their decision-making:

“That streak is trying to trick your brain into FOMO.”

“That timer wants you to log back in.”

Celebrate when they skip a reward on purpose. Challenge them to see missing a “daily login” as proof of control.

7. Examine Your Own Brain Rot

Teen screen use is directly correlated with parental screen use.³ While you may not consume the same content as your child, it’s likely that your screen time could use some work. Set screen-free zones and times, such as during dinner or while doing homework. Try to keep devices out of bedrooms. Use timers and rituals to transition away from devices, too, (and make sure your child sees you doing so). Encourage ongoing, open conversations about screen use, its pros and cons, and its impact on mental health.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹ Su, C., Zhou, H., Gong, L., Teng, B., Geng, F., & Hu, Y. (2021). Viewing personalized video clips recommended by TikTok activates default mode network and ventral tegmental area. NeuroImage, 237, 118136. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuroimage.2021.118136

² Nguyen, L., Walters, J., Paul, S., Monreal Ijurco, S., Rainey, G. E., Parekh, N., Blair, G., & Darrah, M. (2025). Feeds, feelings, and focus: A systematic review and meta-analysis examining the cognitive and mental health correlates of short-form video use. Psychological Bulletin, 151(9), 1125–1146. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000498

³ Nagata, J. M., Paul, A., Yen, F., Smith-Russack, Z., Shao, I. Y., Al-Shoaibi, A. A. A., Ganson, K. T., Testa, A., Kiss, O., He, J., & Baker, F. C. (2025). Associations between media parenting practices and early adolescent screen use. Pediatric Research, 97(1), 403–410. https://doi.org/10.1038/s41390-024-03243-y

We asked this question to ADDitude readers, and you answered (as always) with depth, empathy, reflection, and resolve. Here are some of our favorite pieces of advice from neurodivergent parents raising neurodivergent kids.

“Try your very, very hardest not to correct every little thing. Kids with ADHD are constantly having their errors pointed out to them. It is up to parents to try to limit the number of corrections children face and give them space to act and react naturally and freely at times.” – An ADDitude Reader

“Their meltdowns are not your meltdowns. They are not a reflection of your parenting, but of emotional dysregulation due to executive dysfunction. Follow predictable routines. And know that what they need in school – breaks, sensory input, visual timers, and reminders – they will also need at home.” – An ADDitude Reader

“I wish I’d known how amplified the need for the basics like nutrition, sleep, and exercise become for children with ADHD.” – An ADDitude Reader

“I would suggest that other parents not fixate on having their kids get all As, but on helping their kids learn to love learning.” – Leigh, South Carolina

Get This Free Download: Conversation Starters for a Stronger Parent-Child Bond

“Find your people – those who provide honest but care-filled, well-intentioned support to your child. And don’t forget to fill your bucket, parents. You are not an endless font of energy!” – Cathy, Texas

“When I picked up my child after school, his teachers were not allowed to come flying at me with all he did wrong unless they were ready to tell me two good things he did that day. (Everyday a child does thousands of amazing things right, no matter how small.) I also asked his teachers to put tape on my son’s desk or tap him on his shoulder when he needed to focus instead of calling out his name and making him feel uncomfortable. Many of his teachers have thanked me and told me they wish they had those tools earlier.” – Mary, New York

“Believe in the power of repair after a rupture. Parenting a kid with ADHD can be exhausting and difficult. You will lose it some days. You can repair and build connections even when this happens.” – Zara, Canada

“When I saw anger in my child, I learned to ask, ‘Are you tired, hungry, or hurting?’” – Stephanie, North Carolina

Read: 19 Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children

“My husband and I both having ADHD, and our 3-year-old son is on the verge of diagnosis, so we are still trying to figure things out. Having a routine, as much as possible, is our saving grace; even still, some days are better than others, and none of our days are perfect!” – Amy, Virginia

“I have ADHD. I sometimes lose my patience with my child, but it is important to apologize sincerely and directly after things have calmed down, take accountability, and express that I know it was not a good way to respond. I make sure he understands that my reaction does not reflect the love I have for him or his value as a person.” – Camron, Utah

“Seek the voices that are further down this path in whatever format you need — videos, books, blogs, podcasts. They’re all out there.” – Maya, Delaware

“Find the physical thing they enjoy doing – swimming, running, dancing, etc. When they become overwhelmed or defiant, stop everything and have them do that activity. It’ll be much easier to get them to do things after they’ve had a chance to regulate their bodies; this works much better than yelling or trying to convince them verbally. Also, no child wants to do poorly. Find out what is getting in their way and help them develop solutions that get both of your needs and wants met.” – Liz, Texas

“Listen to your children and understand their perspectives. Ask them to investigate with you about what will help them best. Make sure they are part of the process!” – Sarah, Canada

“Trust your gut! You are your child’s best advocate.” – Meghan, New Hampshire

“It is impossible to nurture a neurodivergent child and have them fit a neurotypical world’s expectations. Dump those expectations and align your sense of duty to your relationship with your child. You are not here to serve the world, but to celebrate life as the parent of your child.” – Maya, Canada

“Have patience and self-compassion for yourself. The journey is long, but so worth it. You have been called to protect, help shape, and hold up a precious gem – with its wonderful facets of creativity, color, wisdom, and uniqueness – for the world to see and appreciate.” – Ana, California

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

As much as we remember the sighs, yells, and criticisms, we also remember the moments we were treated with compassion and understanding. The adults in our lives may not have known it, but in those empathetic moments, they were applying the principles of nonviolent communication with us.

Nonviolent communication (NVC) is an approach that children with ADHD and rejection sensitivity respond especially well to, in my view. As a parent with ADHD raising a child with ADHD, it’s an approach I try to embody every day.

What Is Nonviolent Communication?

NVC, created by Marshall Rosenberg, Ph.D., is designed to help people manage conflict (in relationships, work, school, etc.) and express themselves without placing blame, shame, or guilt on others.

NVC centers on four components:

• Observation: focusing on what you see or hear, not on evaluations or labels.
• Feelings: identifying and expressing your actual emotions, not thoughts disguised as feelings.
• Needs: recognizing that feelings arise from needs being met or unmet.
• Requests: asking for clear, specific actions to help meet needs.

[Get This Free Download: How to Respond to Your Child’s Defiance]

There is much more to NVC, but its most important principle is that it requires us to take off our “adult” hats and become equals with our children. As someone who was raised in a household where children were seen, not heard, I know this is easier said than done. But a child cannot learn respect until they experience respect. And children learn to communicate effectively by being communicated with effectively.

5 Ways to Practice Nonviolent Communication with ADHD Kids

Follow these steps to incorporate the principles of NVC into your daily interactions with your child and improve your relationship with them.

1. Use “I” statements.

Instead of: Stop leaving your things everywhere! I tripped over your stuff again! Don’t be so lazy!

Nonviolent reaction: I see your shoes and backpack are on the floor. I feel frustrated when I trip over your things. I also get hurt. Please take the next minute to put your things away.

2. Avoid hyperbole.

Try not to exaggerate your child’s behaviors and avoid absolutes like “always” or “never.” Be mindful of thoughts masquerading as feelings.

Instead of: You always leave the fridge door open and walk away! You never listen to me when I ask you to be more careful. I feel like you just don’t care.

Nonviolent reaction: I came home today and found the fridge door open. I am annoyed that some of our food is now spoiled, and we need to replace it.

[Read: Your Positive Parenting Toolkit Has Arrived]

3. I feel __ because…

Connect your feelings to your needs to help your child see why something matters.

Instead of: Why are you making so much noise? Can’t you see that I’m trying to work?

Nonviolent reaction: I feel tense because I need to focus on my work but keep getting distracted by these noises. Would you lower your voice/tablet volume or move to another room so I can finish?

4. Focus on responsibility, not blame.

Let’s take it back to the open fridge door example of above.

Instead of: The food is all spoiled and it’s all your fault.

Nonviolent reaction: We’ll need to buy fresh food. Can you help by contributing from your allowance?

This principle is absolutely important for our rejection-sensitive children. Shifting from blame to responsibility reduces paralyzing shame and lets children focus on how they can make things better.

5. Let your child speak.

Even if they are whiny or hormonal. Even if they cry and seem irrational. Even if they blame everything else under the sun for their behavior, you must let your child speak. Your job is to listen and validate.

Instead of: It’s not my fault you don’t get your homework done on time! If you can’t speak to me with respect, then I don’t want to speak to you at all.

Nonviolent reaction: I hear you saying you forget about your homework and could use a reminder. I also hear you saying that it’s challenging to focus on more work after school. Let’s come up with a plan so you don’t fall behind or feel overwhelmed.

Paraphrasing your child’s words is extremely important. It calms children when they hear their own words echoed back to them with understanding. It shows them that they are worthy — because they are — of being heard.

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As bedtime approaches, you gently remind your child to brush their teeth. Their response is startling: They scream at you, fall to the ground in despair, or run off as if you’d made an unbearable demand. This intense reaction may be a sign of Pathological Demand Avoidance (PDA), which has been linked to autism and ADHD.

Children with PDA exhibit a strong desire for autonomy and are extremely sensitive to real or perceived demands. They may say they can’t do chores because their arms don’t work or use delay tactics or make excuses to avoid completing requests. PDA differs from other diagnostic categories and it’s important for parents, teachers, and other professionals to understand the challenges and supports to help children with PDA and their families.

In this webinar, you will learn:

• How PDA stems from nervous system dysregulation, and why children with autism and ADHD are more likely to show signs and behaviors associated with PDA.
• About the characteristics of PDA, including where and how it shows up in different settings.
• About the behavioral strategies and supports for children with PDA, including how to help them build self-regulation skills and manage stress and strong emotions.
• What not to do with children with PDA, including using traditional disciplinary approaches and implementing rigid structures.

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Pathological Demand Avoidance: Resources

• • • Free Download: Why Is My Child So Defiant?
    • Read: “A Day in the Life of My Defiant Child”
    • Read: When Angry Kids Lash Out: How to Defuse Explosive Reactions
    • Read: How to Tame Outsized Reactions to Disappointment
      
      

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on December 16, 2025, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Diane Gould, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker and the founder and executive director of PDA North America. She co-authored the book Navigating PDA in America (#CommissionsEarned) with Ruth Fidler, which was published in June 2024. In April 2024, Diane was diagnosed as autistic.

Diane has a private practice in the Chicago area, where she serves neurodivergent children, adults and their families. For the last 40 plus years, she has worked for both private agencies and school systems. For more information on support and resources for Pathological Demand Avoidance, please visit PDA North America.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

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Do current cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) approaches inadvertently promote masking and conformity for individuals with ADHD? Or do evidence-based CBT strategies support real-world functioning, self-efficacy, and quality of life for neurodivergent clients? Does CBT encourage denial of identity? Or does it promote authenticity? In this webinar, two leading psychotherapists will discuss the efficacy of CBT for ADHD and how modern approaches should move from treating ADHD behaviors and impairments to empowering individuals. Michael Meinzer, Ph.D., and Saskia Van der Oord, Ph.D., will discuss and underscore the need for evidence-based strategies that support functioning and respect neurodivergent identities without pathologizing their differences.

In this webinar, you will learn:

•  How CBT is evolving, and what challenges it can effectively address for people with ADHD and where it might miss the mark
• How traditional (non-adapted) CBT approaches may inadvertently encourage masking and conformity to neurotypical norms
• How CBT for ADHD can help you adapt your lifestyle to your environment and improve situations involving your job, relationships, and more
• How to assess whether CBT is working for you
• What people should know in choosing and working with a therapist

Watch the Video Replay

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Webinar Sponsor

Play Attention: Research conducted at Tufts University School of Medicine demonstrates that Play Attention improves attention, behavior, executive function, and overall performance. Harnessing cutting-edge NASA-inspired technology, Play Attention offers a customized program for both children and adults. Your dedicated Focus Coach will tailor a plan for each family member to improve executive function and self-regulation. Home and professional programs are available. Visit our calendar to schedule a consultation or learn more at www.playattention.com.

ADDitude thanks our sponsors for supporting our webinars. Sponsorship has no influence on speaker selection or webinar content.

Behavioral Therapy for ADHD: Resources

• • • Free Download: Everything You Need to Know About CBT
    • Read: ADHD Therapy Comparison: CBT vs. ADHD Coaching
    • Read: Why the ADHD Brain Chooses the Less Important Task — and How CBT Improves Prioritization Skills
    • Read: Adult ADHD Treatment Options — An Overview

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on October 16, 2025, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speakers

Michael Meinzer, Ph.D., is an Associate Professor of Psychology at the University of Illinois, Chicago (UIC). He directs UIC’s Young Adult & Adolescent ADHD Services research lab and the SUCCEEDS College ADHD Clinic. He recently published Mastering the Transition to College: The Ultimate Guidebook for Parents of Teens with ADHD (#CommissionsEarned)  based on his research and clinical experience.

Saskia Van der Oord, Ph.D., is a professor of clinical psychology at the Faculty of Psychology and Educational Sciences at KU Leuven (Belgium). She is a clinical psychologist and behavior therapist, co-director of the faculty’s ADHD clinic, and head of the postgraduate training program in cognitive behavior therapy for children and adolescents. Her research work is focused on the development, evaluation and adaptation of non-pharmacological interventions for ADHD. Her research work is fueled by the perspectives of people with lived experience.

#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

Follow ADDitude’s full ADHD Experts Podcast in your podcasts app:
Apple Podcasts | Spotify | Google Play | Amazon Music | RadioPublic | Pocket Casts | iHeartRADIO | Audacy

My colleagues and I conducted research on whether moms and dads with ADHD differed in the behavioral parenting skills they found to be the most helpful for their kids, ages three to eight, who also have ADHD. Here’s what they told us.

Special Time: #1 by Dads (#2 by Moms)

“Special time” means 5 to 10 minutes of a parent’s undivided attention – daily time dedicated to following their child’s lead in a play activity like building blocks, kicking a soccer ball around, or making jewelry. It is intended to strengthen the parent-child relationship with positivity. The parents who use it successfully follow these rules:

• DON’T give directions. (“Move your chess piece to this square.”)
• DO follow your child’s lead, describing their actions. (“You’re making a row of red LEGO’s.”)
• DON’T ask questions. (“What are you going to do with that piece?”)
• DO praise positive behaviors. (“I love how gently you’re handling the tea set.”)
• DON’T correct or criticize. (“You’re pressing too hard on the marker.”)
• DO ignore minor misbehaviors.

[Watch: “A Parenting Toolkit for Moms and Dads with ADHD”]

Praise: #1 by Moms (#2 by Dads)

When parents comment on a behavior – whether positive or negative – the odds of it continuing increase exponentially. When kids are consistently impulsive, forgetful, or disorganized, these negative behaviors tend to get all the attention. Try to catch your child being good, then offer praise that follows these guidelines:

• Be specific. Describe in detail the behavior you witnessed: “Great job sharing that brownie with your brother.”
• Praise progress and effort. Even if the behavior isn’t perfect, praise attempts or improvement. “Good job reading your book for five minutes longer than yesterday!”
• Compliment what they do correctly. If your child is a chronic interrupter, notice when they succeed in waiting to speak “I love how you waited quietly while I finished talking to Mom.”

[Read: Positive Charge – How to Reinforce Good Behavior]

Effective Commands & House Rules: #3 by Moms

It’s tough to follow directions when ADHD is impairing your task initiation, working memory, attention, and self-control. As a result, parents do too much reminding and nagging – unpleasant habits for all. Instead, follow these steps for giving effective commands:

Capture your child’s attention first.

• Instead of yelling from a different room
• Approach them and make eye contact.

Don’t ask questions.

• Instead of saying, “Can you take out your homework folder?”
• State directly, “Take out your homework folder, please.”

Stick to clear, one-step commands for younger children:.

• Instead of saying, “Get ready for bed” or “Put on your pajamas, brush your teeth, and get into bed.”
• Say,  “Please put on your clean pajamas.”

Be judicious with instructions.

• Instead of shooting off commands as needs pop up.
• Give commands only when the task is important enough to follow with praise or consequences.

Establish your house rules and expectations around a few unwelcome behaviors, like hitting or cursing. Discuss these at a family meeting, then write them down and hang up the list. If your child breaks a rule in the first week, simply point it out. After one week, follow through with a consequence. And, of course, lavish your kids with praise when they follow the rules.

Structure and Routines: #3 by Dads

Clear and predictable routines are key for every ADHD family, but multi-step routines take time and care to solidify. Jumpstart yours with these guidelines:

• Focus on one routine at a time. Choose the time of day that’s proving most challenging and break that routine into a step-by-step checklist. Write the list out and post it for ready reference.
• Praise your children as they complete each step. Consider a small reward each time they finish the routine, especially if they’re able to do it independently.

Active Ignoring: #4 by Dads

Your attention feeds a behavior; your withheld attention extinguishes that behavior, in time. This is the idea behind active ignoring, or responding to minor misbehaviors by doing the following:

• Looking away
• Keeping a neutral face
• Not talking about the behavior

Be ready to return the attention (with praise) as soon as your child shifts to positive behavior. For example, if your child is tugging on your sleeve and then stops, even for a second, immediately say: “Great job keeping your hands by your side.”

Be prepared for the behavior to get worse before it gets better. Don’t give up on this strategy after the first escalation. And keep in mind that this only applies to minor issues, not serious or aggressive behavior that requires immediate action.

Time Out and Privilege Removal: #4 by Moms

Timeout and removal of privileges can be helpful when children have to do something, like clean up their toys or get ready for bed. The model for a timeout is this:

• Green light: Give an effective command (“Please go brush your teeth”). Count backward from five.
• Yellow light: If the child hasn’t complied after the countdown, remind them of the consequence (“If you don’t brush your teeth, you’ll go to timeout”), then count down from five again.
• Red light: If the child still hasn’t complied, enforce the consequence. (“Because you didn’t brush your teeth, you have to go to timeout.”)

Follow through consistently – and stay calm. If you’re feeling dysregulated, use one of these strategies:

• Use positive self-talk. (“I’m helping my child learn how to listen. I can do hard things.”)
• Take deep breaths to quiet your nervous system.
• Walk away until you’re calmer, then return to finish timeout or to remove privileges.

Positive Parenting Solutions for ADHD Kids: Next Steps

• Watch: A Practical Guide to Positive Parenting
• Read: The Power of Validation to Soothe Supersensors
• Read: A Survival Guide for Parents with ADHD – Strategies from Preschool to High School

Christina Danko, Ph.D., is a clinical psychologist and associate clinical professor at the University of Maryland, College Park, and a faculty affiliate of the UMD ADHD Program.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

It comes as no surprise that kids and adults with ADHD, who crave stimulation, get bored more easily and more frequently than do their neurotypical counterparts. And the lengths to which some people will go in order to feel something, anything, is shocking.

Literally.

Researchers at the University of Virginia and Harvard University conducted a series of experiments that asked participants to sit alone in a laboratory and then fill out surveys about the experience. In one such study, researchers wanted to see if the study subjects would rather do an unpleasant activity than nothing at all. They left adult participants alone in a room with a button that would give them a mild electric shock if pressed. More than half opted to press the button rather than doing nothing for 15 minutes.¹

“What is striking,” the study authors wrote, “is that simply being alone with their own thoughts for 15 minutes was apparently so aversive that it drove many participants to self-administer an electric shock that they had earlier said they would pay to avoid.”

[Read: Escape From Boredom]

Boredom Through the Lens of Neuroscience

The association between boredom and risk-taking, from substance use to thrill-seeking activities, is not exclusive to those with ADHD. But because people with ADHD tend to experience ennui more frequently, risky exploits born of boredom are a common phenomenon among them.

“People with ADHD are used to feeling emotions at a 9 or a 10,” says Tamara Rosier, Ph.D., founder of the ADHD Center of West Michigan. “When there’s a lack of emotional intensity, they interpret this as negative and call it boredom. They either move into hypoarousal, where they numb out, or hyperarousal, where they try to push themselves out of orbit.”

Boredom has also been found to be especially stressful in individuals with ADHD traits. Matt Parker, Ph.D., a neuroscientist at the University of Surrey in England, and James Clay, Ph.D., a postdoctoral fellow at Dalhousie University and University of Victoria in Canada, were part of a team that investigated differences in responses to boredom between impulsive and non-impulsive adults.

The study initially found that people who self-reported as impulsive were more prone to boredom, confirming previous findings that people with ADHD had higher rates of task-related and chronic boredom than people without ADHD. When the team investigated further, it found that the impulsive study subjects experienced higher levels of stress while bored, evidenced by elevated levels of cortisol in their saliva.²

[Read: Impulsivity and the ADHD Brain – Neural Networks, Explained!]

It’s similar to what we see in fight-or-flight situations,” Parker says. “It suggests that the lived experience of boredom feels more intense and aversive for people who are highly impulsive, transforming into an overwhelming need to escape.”

This urge is the result of a massive feedback loop, Parker explains, in which impulsivity leads to boredom and stress… and stress and boredom lead right back to impulsivity, continuing the cycle.

To break free from boredom, ADDitude readers reported trying everything from jumping off a cliff to car racing. For some, these exploits led to regret. For others, they led to a new life.

How to Cure Boredom (Or Bear it Better)

Research is limited on how people most susceptible to boredom might better tolerate it. Once recent small study found that treating children with ADHD with methylphenidate for three months reduced proneness to boredom (and improved ADHD symptoms). When the medication was discontinued, boredom resurfaced.

Nothing can eliminate boredom, but these strategies may help people with ADHD build up tolerance.

1. Reframe the Feeling

The first step, Rosier advises, is to acknowledge the boredom without judgement. “If you’re feeling bored, that doesn’t mean you’re lazy or incapable,” she says. “Let’s not moralize it. Let’s accept it as it is.”

2. Resist the Stress Response

“Interventions designed to help people tolerate boredom without triggering a stress response could be useful,” says Parker, who suggests active forms of mindfulness, such as yoga or mindful walking.

John Eastwood, Ph.D., co-author of Out of My Skull: The Psychology of Boredom, says that people with a low boredom tolerance tend to choose avoidance-based coping strategies, such as a long break in the bathroom during a tedious lecture. Instead, use strategies that promote engagement, such as gamifying the experience – noting whenever the teacher uses a three-syllable word, for example.

3. Identify the Cause of Boredom

“When a feeling like boredom is uncomfortable, we are sometimes unable to hear its deeper message because we just try to make the feeling go away,” Eastwood says. “But feelings point to needs, like compasses. Sadness tells us we’ve lost something of value; anger tells us we need to assert ourselves.

“Boredom points to our need to have agency, to be the captain of our own ship,” he says, adding that the struggle to be self-directed is common among people with ADHD, since, from a young age, they’re often corrected and directed by teachers, parents, and peers.”

Boredom might also mean thoughtfully reassessing your choices and considering a change in your job, vocation, or school. Alternatively, it might mean reminding yourself why you’re doing what you’re doing. To get through a tedious chemistry lecture, he says, you could remind yourself that, while you don’t care about chemistry, you care about graduating from college so you can become a nurse.

“Boredom often has a message for us,” says Eastwood. “I would encourage people to take boredom seriously, try not to be afraid or intolerant of it. There may be an opportunity to see how you can live in a way that gives fuller expression to who you are.”

Boredom and ADHD: Next Steps

• Watch: Boredom and the ADHD Brain
• Read: Livin’ on the Edge – Stories of ADHD Adrenaline Rushes
• Read: Bored at Work? Motivation to the Rescue

Nicole C. Kear is Consumer Health Editor at ADDitude.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Sources

¹Wilson, T. et al. Just think: The challenges of the disengaged mind.Science345,75-77(2014).DOI:10.1126/science.1250830

²J.M.Clay, J.I. Badariotti, N. Kozhushko, M.O. Parker, HPA activity mediates the link between trait impulsivity and boredom, Physiology & Behavior, 284 (2024), 114637, ISSN 0031-9384, https://doi.org/10.1016/j.physbeh.2024.114637.

When children refuse and resist, responding with empathy feels unnatural. After all, defiant children are argumentative. They have a short fuse. They are emotionally reactive. They resent parental directives and defy them boldly. Over time, they become conditioned to engage in power struggles. Punishment becomes counterproductive.

This is when empathy is difficult to muster — and necessary.

Identifying Underlying Problems

The defiant children with whom I’ve worked all seem to share some common characteristics. They have lower self-awareness and emotional intelligence, and they often have coexisting conditions, including ADHD, depression, and anxiety.

As parents, we must understand when defiance is a sign that our children are having a hard time. We must pause and ask ourselves, Are they struggling with something in this moment? Whether it’s arriving late for school or missing assignments, they’re choosing not to behave in an acceptable way. For children with ADHD, such behaviors often stem from deeper difficulties.

Some of my young clients believe and share these cognitive distortions:

• “Nothing is fair.”
• “Everything sucks.”
• “No one should tell me what to do.”
• “I know better than you.”
• “It’s your fault.”
• “You’re ruining my life.”

[Free Download: 10 Ways to Neutralize Your Child’s Anger]

One of the most striking things I see with defiant children is a limited ability to self-soothe. And being able to calm yourself and solve problems are the two most important skills for life.

I work 13 miles away from a prison. There are a lot of guys there, perhaps some with ADHD, who probably wish they could go back and redo one critical moment in their lives. Maybe they wish they’d taken 30 more seconds, or just 15 more seconds, to work on calming down or problem-solving before acting. It’s that big of a deal.

Easing Emotional Reactivity

Defiant children often get very wound up and struggle to problem-solve when they’re upset. They have problematic interactions with adults, and they believe they’re not understood by their parents and teachers. That’s why it’s so important to lean into empathy when we’re trying to connect with our defiant children, whatever their age.

When you interact in a calm, firm, non-controlling way — keeping in mind that no one likes to be told what to do, especially a defiant kid —it helps bypass emotional reactivity. You might use a prompt like this for a school-related problem:

Prompts for Parents

• Parent: “I understand from talking to your teacher that your comment to Ben was seen as a threat. Help me understand what you were thinking so we can better understand each other.”

[Free Self-Test: Does My Child Have Oppositional Defiant Disorder (ODD)?]

In a scenario involving a child’s anger about something unknown, this script might help:

• Parent: “It looks like you’re really angry. I’m here to listen.”
• Your child: “You don’t ever listen. I hate you.”
• Parent: “I get it. I hear that you’re really frustrated.”

If your child revs up, your job is to stay calm.

• Parent: “Would you agree that a calm, constructive conversation is probably going to help both of us? I’m hoping we can make progress on managing this so that I can try to help you even more.”

Model appropriate behavior when you’re both frustrated.

• Parent: “Sarah, there’s a part of me right now that wants to yell or ground you, but I don’t think that’s going to help you or me. How about we take a break?”

Whatever the situation, try this to remain calm: Picture yourself up on the ceiling, looking down at these interactions from the perspective of an emotion-regulation coach. This shift in mindset helps to avoid potential power struggles.

Emotional Regulation Strategies for Children

Try the following techniques to help your child manage their emotions.

• Gamefy it. When we engage children physically with a mind-body connection, we make them more aware. Try this game: Challenge your child to imagine squeezing the juice out of a lemon that has a hole in the bottom. Ask them to describe how their hand, wrist, and arm feel when they get tight and tense, and how their whole body follows. When they learn to tighten and relax, they will be able to identify those different states.
• Appreciate compromise. The ideas of winning and fairness are big. Have conversations with your child to help them see that compromise is a form of winning and a way to connect with others.
• Breathe deeply. Diaphragmatic breathing is very important. These belly breaths expand our diaphragm, which stimulates our vagus nerve and sends a signal to help reboot our reactive brain.
• Unmask anger. We tend to see anger as problematic without understanding that it’s a signal. Look underneath the surface of this emotion for sadness, shame, frustration, and/or anxiety. In the moment, kids can pause to unmask their anger by using a safe word or phrase. I’ve had kids say “grapefruit” or “banana” when they’re frustrated. Then take a break in a designated area of the house or at school.
• Avoid using negative labels. Your child is feeling troubled and missing a sense of purpose. They’re not lacking remorse; they’re feeling unsafe. They’re not insensitive or apathetic; their defenses are up right now, and that wall is getting in the way. It’s hard to imagine that any child or teen wakes up and says, “How can I deliberately sabotage my life and create more pain to further my life’s mission of suffering?” When you put it in that context, it puts your child’s signs of struggle in perspective.

Defiance Can Mask Depression

Aggression sometimes overshadows depression. Some kids with depression are irritable. They have attitude, and that’s what drives their defiant behavior. Anxiety is also a common, and often hidden, driver of defiant behavior. When kids feel anxious, they may lash out in a fight-or-flight response, especially if they don’t have the language or skills to express their fears. I’ve seen kids lash out and then later talk to me about how scared or ashamed they felt in that moment, how they felt backed into a corner, and how their fears overtook them.

In homes besieged by defiance and emotional reactivity, everybody’s so beaten up and worn down that they see nothing but problems. Parents and kids anticipate them. But as we look for wins and praise our children for what they do well, positivity starts to crowd out the negative behaviors. Verbal praise, spoken from the heart, is one of the best rewards a child can receive.

[Get This Free Download: Ending Confrontations and Defiance]

When you feel locked in the lane of “frustrated parent,” switch over to being the emotion-regulation coach. Be encouraging, keep innovating, and build on your successes.

Caregiver Strategies for Defiant Behavior

Behavioral disorders are more common and more disruptive in ADHD families than they are in neurotypical households. When children with ADHD have co-occurring oppositional defiant disorder (ODD) or conduct disorder, relationships with family members can suffer. Defiant behavior may manifest as a child easily (and frequently) losing their temper, arguing with adults over rules, or acting out violently.

In a recent survey, ADDitude asked its readers whether their children with ADHD displayed defiant behaviors and, if so, how those behaviors affected the household. Caregivers shared their perspectives and how they are managing.

“Every day, every request is a battle. ”Any simple request, such as ‘Please brush your teeth’ or ‘Let’s finish your homework,’ turns into a fight. We are all on edge and really dread homework time, dinner time, and bedtime.”

“Having a child with ADHD often comes with some oppositional defiance. Things can be going smoothly, and then, out of nowhere, something that seems minor to you can trigger a reaction, ”setting off a chain of events.”

“It takes a log of mental energy to get through the days, especially when you also have ADHD and emotional dysregulation. Your other kids suffer because you are always focused on getting the child with ADHD through the day. My daughter is nearly 18, and I think we are slowly coming out the other side. It isn’t a straight path, and we have tried many different things – different schools, sports, medications, psychiatrists, psychologists. You just have to hold on for the ride and get through each day.” ”

“Both of my kids who have ADHD appear defiant when they are anxious and trying to control the situation ”or when they feel overwhelmed. In those circumstances, they return a reflexive ‘no’ to every question before they have the chance to think about it.

“Telling them to do something will never result in it getting done. You need to gently ask ”and convince them to do it.”

“Almost every time I ask my son to do something, even if it is something he likes or a simple request, he instinctively says ‘no.’ It took a while, but I realized I could wait a few minutes for him actually to process what I said, and then gently repeat my request. When given the time to mentally process and transition, he usually has no problem complying with a request.”

Emotional Reactivity in a Defiant Child: Next Steps

• Free Download: Why Is My Child So Defiant?
• Learn: 10 Rules for Dealing with the Explosive Child
• Read: The Key to ADHD Emotional Regulation? Cultivating Gratitude, Pride & Compassion
• Watch: “How to De-escalate Your Child’s Explosive Reactions”

Jeffrey Bernstein, Ph.D., is a psychologist and author of several books, including 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child.

SUPPORT ADDITUDE
Thank you for reading ADDitude. To support our mission of providing ADHD education and support, please consider subscribing. Your readership and support help make our content and outreach possible. Thank you.

Co-regulation means being present, constantly shifting my own emotional state, even when I’m not ready, to match the urgency of my child’s. I’ve learned to steady my breath when theirs quickens, to lower my voice, to adjust the environment, to make them feel safe. But when the storm passes, there’s often no space for me to process the emotional toll it’s taken.

Co-regulation is not just about calming my child in a single moment of distress but about managing their entire emotional landscape day after day, which can vary considerably. It means that I am hypervigilant about my child’s needs, always ready to step in, always holding my breath in anticipation of the next emotional storm. I feel like the safety net that keeps it all from crashing down, but what happens when I can no longer be that lifeline?

Extreme Emotional Labor, Grief, and Parental Burnout

Parental self-regulation is part of co-regulation, but it doesn’t come easy, especially with a highly dysregulated child. Most days feel like I’m perpetually “on,” suppressing my own emotions because my child needs me to be stable. There is hardly opportunity to recuperate before the next emotional explosion. Who holds me when I need to fall apart? This constant emotional labor, this unyielding responsibility, is the grief that no one sees.

This grief is compounded by isolation. People offer sympathy, but they rarely understand what it is to co-regulate a child with unique needs.

[Get This Free Download: 5 Emotional Control Strategies for Kids with ADHD]

There is also anticipatory grief about the future — how my child’s needs will evolve as they grow older. What will independence look like for them? Will they find lasting relationships, joy, fulfillment? These worries weigh heavily on me, and I feel guilty for not being more hopeful.

Under the Grief: The Myth of the Perfect Parent

In the midst of it all, there are durable moments of love, hope, and connection that make it worthwhile. There are times when my child looks at me with a calmness that tells me they’ve found peace, moments when our bond feels unbreakable. Co-regulating has deepened my understanding of love and what it means to be there for someone, no matter how difficult the journey.

But even in those moments, the grief lingers. It’s woven into the fabric of our lives, an ever-present companion. And I’ve come to realize that the grief of co-regulating my child is part of a larger, often unspoken narrative we’ve internalized about parenting — that it requires constant sacrifice, self-effacement, and emotional depletion. The idea that we must become martyrs in our efforts to be the “perfect parent.”

We are often conditioned to believe that if we’re not always giving, always doing, always available, that we’re failing our children. The myth of the “perfect parent” tells us that our own needs are secondary, that love for our children means putting ourselves last – a construct that is especially harming to parents of neurodivergent children. But the truth is, we do our children a disservice when we sacrifice ourselves to this extent. We also risk losing the sense of who we are outside of being caregivers.

[Read: Dear Special Needs Mom Who Is Ready to Give Up…]

My Own Lifeline

I’m learning that to set boundaries and prioritize my own well-being is uncomfortable, inconvenient, and often met with judgment. There’s grief in this too — the grief of wanting to take up space without apology, of being seen as less than for simply existing as I am. But I know the cost of not speaking up is greater. When I sacrifice my voice, I lose my health, my confidence, and my joy.

Despite the grief and discomfort, I keep moving forward — balancing the pain and love, exhaustion and connection, finding strength in the quiet understanding that I am doing the best I can. I am my child’s lifeline, but I am also mine.

Co-Regulation: Next Steps for Neurodivergent Families

• Take This Self-Test: 10 Questions to Reveal Parental Burnout
• Read: The Exhaustion Problem in Extreme Parenting
• Read: “They Call You a ‘Problem Child.’ I Know Your Heart Will Save Me Every Time.”

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Social-emotional learning (SEL) teaches students of all ages five core competencies that can be applied in the classroom and at home: self-awareness, self-regulation, social awareness, relationship skills, and effective problem-solving. These are the life skills that help children and teens better understand and deal with feelings (both their own and others’), have positive social relationships, and make better decisions. And perhaps not surprisingly, these skills are highly correlated with improved academic performance as well as overall success and happiness.

For children with ADHD, and the core traits of inattention and impulsivity, SEL skills can be difficult to master and use consistently. This webinar will provide strategies to help children learn and use these skills at home and in peer settings.

In this webinar, caregivers and educators will learn:

• The main principles of SEL, including how it teaches self-awareness, self-control, empathy, social skills, and problem-solving.
• Why teaching SEL matters for kids with ADHD and learning differences.
• Implementation strategies such as modeling, direct instruction, and prompting use of SEL.
• Activities to promote SEL development in school and at home.

Watch the Video Replay

Enter your email address in the box above labeled “Video Replay + Slide Access” to watch the video replay (closed captions available) and download the slide presentation.

Download or Stream the Podcast Audio

Click the play button below to listen to this episode directly in your browser, click the symbol to download to listen later, or open in your podcasts app: Apple Podcasts; Audacy; Spotify; Amazon Music; iHeartRADIO

Social-Emotional Learning: Resources

• • • Free Download: 5 Ways to Improve Emotional Control at Home
    • Read: Your Child Is Not Giving You a Hard Time. Your Child Is Having a Hard Time.
    • Read: 11 Strategies That Improve Emotional Control at School and Home
    • Read: The Key to ADHD Emotional Regulation? Cultivating Gratitude, Pride & Compassion
      

Obtain a Certificate of Attendance

If you attended the live webinar on August 19, 2025, watched the video replay, or listened to the podcast, you may purchase a certificate of attendance option (cost: $10). Note: ADDitude does not offer CEU credits. Click here to purchase the certificate of attendance option »

Meet the Expert Speaker

Steven Tobias, Psy.D., is the Director of the Center for Child & Family Development in New Jersey.  He has more than 25 years’ experience working with children, parents, families, and schools.

Dr. Tobias provides consultation to schools as a way of reaching many children, including those with unmet social and emotional needs. He has coauthored several books with Dr. Maurice Elias, including Emotionally Intelligent Parenting and Raising Emotionally Intelligent Teenagers.(#CommissionsEarned)
#CommissionsEarned As an Amazon Associate, ADDitude earns a commission from qualifying purchases made by ADDitude readers on the affiliate links we share. However, all products linked in the ADDitude Store have been independently selected by our editors and/or recommended by our readers. Prices are accurate and items in stock as of time of publication.

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