Your Inner Critic Is Sabotaging Your Efforts. Mute It.
“After a setback, acknowledge what went wrong and how you can do better next time, and give yourself credit for trying.”
Q: “The voice in my head can be my worst enemy. I tell myself I won’t be late, yet I’m always late. I tell my spouse that I’ll pick up the groceries or dry cleaning, and then I forget. I beat myself up for mistakes big and small. How can I stop this destructive thinking when I mess up?”
What you’re describing are the negative self-defeating default mindsets many of us with ADHD have endured most of our lives. The negativity stems from criticism doled out by caregivers, teachers, and others who refused to understand or accept our ADHD-related impairments in childhood. It grows worse when we compare ourselves to neurotypical peers who seem to do with ease the things we find so difficult.
Everyone makes mistakes, and judging ourselves harshly won’t motivate us to do better. It often achieves the opposite. To break this pattern, start by paying close attention to the first signs of self-criticism. Then stop yourself and try these healthier mindset shifts – along with corrective actions – to reach your goals.
How to Silence Your Inner Critic
- Always late? This pattern will not change unless you build a plan to support the goal of punctuality. Instead of chastising yourself, think about the conditions that could make you tardy – like heavy traffic, or sneaking in one more task before leaving, misjudging how long that task will take (thank you, time blindness), and then rushing to your destination. The next time you have an appointment, remind yourself of these variables.
- Beating yourself up after a slip-up? Instead of telling yourself you’re not good enough, or wondering why you even bother, say to yourself: “Hey, buddy, you’re trying.” Negativity only reinforces our belief that we don’t measure up and hobbles our future performance. After a setback, acknowledge what went wrong and how you can do better next time. Be gentle and give yourself credit for trying.
- Forget to do a chore, like drying the kids’ laundry or picking up groceries? Instead of berating yourself, practice self-acceptance and self-compassion by saying something like, “I am a valuable and loving person.” Then set yourself up for success next time. Put reminders in your phone or on notes around your house.
Turning down the volume on your inner critic takes practice. Be aware of signs that self-criticism is about to emerge, and deliberately shift your inner dialogue toward empathy and compassion – and take the steps necessary to do better next time.
How to Silence Your Inner Critic: Next Steps
Alan P. Brown, B.SC., AAC, is the creator of the ADD Crusher TM virtual coach video/audio program for teens and adults with ADHD.
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