“A Big Part of Unmasking Is Honoring Your Limits”
Masking to appear neurotypical is exhausting. When neurodivergent people finally stop, many find they can no longer manage tasks and situations they previously handled.
“You never seemed autistic until you got your diagnosis!”
Many autistic people hear this as they get to know their true selves better and intentionally begin to unmask. This observation is often followed by the equally unhelpful, “You used to be able to do it; why can’t you do it now?”
In the process of unmasking, some neurodivergent people experience “skill regression.” This is the term many clinicians use when a person with autism and/or ADHD suddenly has trouble with routine tasks like self-care, attending events they once seemed to enjoy, or managing executive functions like time management. The term skill regression, however, is quite pathologizing and a bit misleading.
[Take This Self-Test: Signs of Autism in Women]
Why ‘Skill Regression’ Is a Misleading Term
When I was in college, I went for a hike in the woods by myself and fell, rolling my ankle. It stung but held my weight, so I walked the rest of the way back. As soon as I got home and sat down, I couldn’t get up again. It’s not that the pain suddenly hit at home, but that I pushed myself past my limits, ignoring the pain until it was safe to acknowledge it.
When someone is high-masking, they exert a lot of energy presenting as neurotypical. Masking your authentic self involves disregarding your own needs, sensory sensitivities, and communication style to meet society’s expectations. A big part of unmasking is getting back in touch with these needs and recognizing the unhealthy or even unsafe ways you have overextended yourself.
In other words, it is misleading to call this a skill regression. I prefer to say that the individual has recognized their limits and begun to honor them. If you are in the process of unmasking, you may notice that some previously palatable situations and tasks now seem exhausting or even impossible. In my case, I realized how overwhelming I found my in-person office setting. Spending 40 hours in that setting was suddenly unsustainable. Learning what is sustainable has helped me discover hidden strengths and capabilities.
If someone you love seems to be experiencing skill regression, please be patient with them. Know that they are not trying to give you a hard time; rather, they are getting to know themselves better. If they trust you enough to show you how they are struggling, recognize that this is an honor. They feel safe telling you about their needs and newly identified limitations. Support them and encourage them to be honest and open about all of it.
Unmasking in Autism and ADHD: Next Steps
- Free Download: The Guide to Autism in Adults
- Read: 10 Steps to Unmasking Your ADHD
- Read: “I Thought I Sucked at Life. But I Was High-Masking Autism All Along.”
- Watch: “Understanding AuDHD Burnout: How Neurodivergent Masking Sparks Stress, Exhaustion”
Amy Marschall, Psy.D., is a licensed psychologist, author, and speaker.
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