{"id":392145,"date":"2026-01-28T04:19:00","date_gmt":"2026-01-28T09:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/www.additudemag.com\/?p=392145"},"modified":"2026-02-11T19:14:38","modified_gmt":"2026-02-12T00:14:38","slug":"permissive-parenting-hinders-growth-adhd-teens","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.additudemag.com\/permissive-parenting-hinders-growth-adhd-teens\/","title":{"rendered":"The High Cost of Keeping the Peace"},"content":{"rendered":"

<\/a>Bryce, 15, expects his mother, Renee, to drive him to school each day. But when Renee tries to talk with him in the car, Bryce tells her to \u201cshut the F up.\u201d Renee says she tolerates this disrespect because she fears Bryce won\u2019t want a relationship with her when he\u2019s older if they are always fighting.<\/p>\n

Andrew, 10, becomes physically aggressive and destroys things at home when he doesn\u2019t get his way. His parents seldom hold him accountable because they believe he\u2019s incapable of consistent self-regulation<\/a>, even though this behavior is not exhibited in school or elsewhere.<\/p>\n

Bella, 8, threatens to hurt herself when her parents try to limit her screen time. They give in and allow excessive screen use, even canceling family plans, because they fear she might follow through.<\/p>\n

[Read: Brick Wall, Jellyfish, or Backbone \u2014 What Type of Parent Are You?<\/a>]<\/em><\/p>\n

These aren\u2019t illustrations of \u201cbad parenting.\u201d Instead, they\u2019re examples of parental empathy dysregulation, a pattern in which the parent-child hierarchy<\/a> is turned upside down. Children, through their behaviors, control their parents. This typically happens when parents believe their child is too emotionally fragile to handle limits or age-appropriate expectations, so they tolerate and accommodate problematic behaviors.<\/p>\n

Parental Accommodation Leads to Escalating Behaviors<\/h2>\n

Many parents of children with ADHD have been misled to believe that using an authoritative parenting approach<\/a> (love and empathy combined with clear limits) will somehow harm the parent-child relationship. Some caregivers cannot tolerate their child feeling temporarily upset with them. Others fear the fallout from their child\u2019s emotional dysregulation or believe their child\u2019s life is too hard already.<\/p>\n

Research shows that accommodating a child\u2019s emotional reactions increases emotional and behavioral problems<\/a>. Those behaviors intensify when children learn that distress or threats lead to getting what they want. In some families, this escalates into what I call severe tyrannical behaviors: property destruction, child-to-parent or child-to-sibling violence<\/a>, or threats of self-harm<\/a>. The child learns to use these behaviors to control the home, and the longer they go unaddressed, the more normalized they become.<\/p>\n

[Read: 19 Authoritative Parenting Tips for Raising Neurodivergent Children<\/a>]<\/em><\/p>\n

From Emotional Reactivity to Parental Proactivity<\/h2>\n

The good news is that this cycle can be broken. The first step is to help parents view their child as capable and not fragile. Kids with ADHD<\/a> can handle limits and meet expectations, especially when those expectations are clear and consistent. Discomfort is part of growth, and all feelings are temporary.<\/p>\n

I teach a protocol to help parents proactively manage emotional dysregulation<\/a> when the child is not getting their way. This includes:<\/p>\n