“‘She just needs to apply herself.’ I felt incapable of reaching my potential.”<\/p>\n
“You’d forget your head if it wasn’t glued on.”<\/p>\n
“I heard things like, ‘Thank goodness she’s pretty because…'”<\/p>\n
“The words were never as hurtful as the glares, the eye-rolling, and the silent treatment from family members who were constantly aggravated as I disrupted their peace.”<\/p>\n
The messages that ADDitude<\/em> readers have been subjected to about themselves and their neurodivergence would be shocking if they weren’t so ubiquitous. Sadly, their experiences mirror what we know about living with ADHD \u2014 that criticism<\/a> is common and greatly reduces self-worth<\/a>.<\/p>\n Words hurt, but ADDitude<\/em>readers also attest that the right ones can empower and heal. Read on to learn about the most frustrating messages our readers heard about themselves, and the messages and actions \u2014 from themselves and from others \u2014 that uplifted them and corrected the narrative.<\/p>\n [Read: \u201cI\u2019m Way Too Hard on Myself\u201d<\/a>]<\/em><\/p>\n “‘Why can’t you just [insert thing here]?’ I felt frustrated because I didn\u2019t understand either! I didn’t understand why I couldn’t just do the thing that needed to be done. My mom would say, \u2018Put out the fires at your feet first.\u2019 <\/strong>You can’t just put out a whole forest fire at once. You need to start from where you’re at. It helped when I would feel overwhelmed. My mom would also quote Rollie Pollie Ollie: \u2018Do the best you can because that’s the best you can do.\u2019<\/strong> It reminded me that I can’t expect more of myself than I’m able to give. Whatever I am able to do is good enough.\u201d \u2014 Ella, Canada<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cAny pointed comments about me being lazy<\/a> or seeing others get exasperated with me to the point of sharp frustration or tears made me feel like something was wrong with me. Now that I understand why, it’s been helpful to mitigate my inner negativity, but I still have ways to go. What I\u2019ve found helpful is finding people who coach and guide me without judgement<\/strong> \u2014 like when others tell me that they understand what I\u2019m dealing with (e.g., hard time getting into the work or being easily frustrated).\u201d \u2014 Jono, Canada<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI was ‘too much.’ My mom always told me it was OK if some things take me longer, at least I was getting them right<\/strong>.\u201d \u2014 Megan, Utah<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI was told that I was dramatic, overly sensitive, impolite, lazy. My self-esteem is beginning to recover, but I still easily slip into berating myself. Being told that I was compassionate, gifted, and intelligent made me feel better about myself. I still hold on to these compliments.<\/strong>\u201d \u2014 Ayanna, California<\/em><\/p>\n [Read: The ADHD Myths That Hurt Us Most<\/a>]<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIf I hadn’t been mentored by my college professor, I don’t know where I would be now. Her message, without any kind of sweetness, was that I was of great value.<\/strong>\u201d \u2014 Jean, Michigan<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cIt didn\u2019t matter what the specific words or situations were. The message was that I, me, myself, was wrong.<\/strong> The uplifting messages I got were from people I respected and who saw my abilities or efforts. It took awhile to see and hear them, and sometimes I thought they were negative. I also find a lot of lift in reading sports interviews. Athletes work through self-doubt far better than I have ever done<\/strong>.\u201d \u2014 Jen, Massachusetts<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cI was told that I was lazy and that I would succeed if I just put more effort in. I felt dumb and incapable. The most helpful support and feedback was given to me about other strengths<\/a>: social skills, creativity, generosity, kindness. I felt seen in my musical abilities even though these were often non-traditional<\/strong>.\u201d \u2014 An ADDitude Reader<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cWorst messages: You are lazy. You are too combative. You are too loud and intimidating. You don\u2019t know when to shut up. You are a know-it-all. You are disruptive and too much. Best messages: I love your honest and straightforward way. I know you won\u2019t ever lie to me and that you always have my best interests in mind.<\/strong> You are the most caring and empathetic person I have ever met. You\u2019ve changed my life. You always have such a unique perspective. I love how creative you are. You are inspiring. You should be a motivational speaker.<\/strong> These words made me feel seen and understood. That I could really make a difference and that my life has purpose. Like I could do anything.\u201d \u2014 Carmen, Germany<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou think too much. You over-analyze. You dream too big. You focus on small details. You are too organized or structured for this fast-paced environment. You document too much. You talk too much. You schmooze too much. These are all skills that came in handy when I began working as a technical sales person. I had a boss recognize I was a people-person and had a way of organizing chaos. He made it known that what I perceived as my flaws, were actually my strengths<\/strong>.\u201d \u2014 An ADDitude Reader<\/em><\/p>\n \u201cYou’re really smart but you’re not living up to your potential. You’re lazy. You don’t listen. You’re a terrible student. You can’t sit still. Stop making excuses for doing so poorly in school and start applying yourself. Those messages made me feel frustrated, angry, self-conscious, and disappointed in myself. I had a fifth-grade teacher who recognized I was a talented writer, and regularly encouraged me to keep developing my skills.<\/strong> Another English teacher also recognized my talents and made me feel like I was smarter than my parents and other teachers gave me credit for.\u201d \u2014 Tom, Colorado<\/em><\/p>\nADHD and Self-Esteem: Next Steps<\/h2>\n
\n
\n